Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Journey, Part 16

About two weeks before I believed I was to be healed I began to feel in my spirit that I wasn't going to be healed. I chalked it up to the enemy trying to discourage me, so I pushed it aside, but in the back of my mind I had a small growing fear that it wasn't going to happen.

One morning three days before October 17th my friend popped online, and wanted to chat. As I was talking to her she began to ask me if I had been marching. I freaked out, and panicked and couldn't figure out how she would know I wasn't marching. Instead of facing up to the truth and being honest with her, I did the wrong thing and lied to her and told her that oh yes I had in fact been marching. With that she dropped the subject and we talked of other stuff.

Finally, the long awaited day came, it was a Friday. I woke up that morning laying in bed pleading with God for my healing, but something deep inside me just knew it wasn't going to happen. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. With the first step I took, I knew I wasn't healed. I was completely and utterly devastated. But with my husband still home I sucked it up until he after he left for work. I went into my prayer room, with tears streaming down my face, I got down on my knees and began repenting for any sins I may have committed. The Lord brought to my mind the lie I had told my friend. I knew I had to call her, and confess what I had done. So I got on the phone with tears still streaming down my face, and told her the truth and asked her to forgive me. She said that yes she did forgive me, and that she had known that I wasn't marching. I knew the Lord had told her. She told me to cheer up, that this was the day of my healing, and to focus on that and be happy. I tried sucking it up, and having a positive attitude. But I knew it wasn't going to be healed. I cried all day. All my hopes and dreams were destroyed.

The next night was Church, and although I really didn't want to go, I felt I should be a good Christian and go anyways so I did. My Care Pastor came up to me to make sure I was alright. I just wanted to crumble up and cry and cry. I told her that I was fine, that God is God and He knows best. I really thought that after a few days I would be fine. I spent the whole service just wanting to get out of there. But the truth was I wasn't fine, that I had literally been rocked to my core, this began my downward spiral into the most painful, most darkest place that I've ever been. ---Believer

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