Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Journey, Part 15

During the time between the time we stopped our daily prayer and when I was to be healed, I began to feel the effects of my crazy summer schedule. I still talked to my friend almost daily via an instant messenger program. Things started changing for me, and I began to misunderstand things that people were saying to me, including my friend, and I found myself getting really agitated, and getting offended at them, and it wasn't even their fault, it was totally my misunderstanding people around me. I was always wanting to cry and I was extremely tired all the time. I didn't know what was going on. But like always when faced with something like this I just did my best to stuff my feelings, and suck it up. But I still hung onto the promise of the Lord healing me with dear life.

I began to allow myself to truly imagine what it would be like to be able to walk normal like everyone else. I'd go shopping and look at all the shoes I had never been able to wear, and dream what it would be like to finally be able to get whatever shoes I wanted ( I used to go through shoes every 2 to 4 weeks ). I would think how I'd be able to go on walks with my husband. To be able to ride a regular two- wheel bike. To do things that most people take for granted. I poured all that I was into that promise.

Finally, October 1, 2008 came around, it was the first day I was to march, so at the designated time I began. By the third day, I began to feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to march after all, I became really confused about it, so I decided not to march. Instead of calling my friend and talking to her, which I really should have done. I decided I didn't want to, because I knew she would hold me accountable ( that is a good thing ), so instead of dealing with it, I pushed it under the rug and didn't really think she would know any different.

I continued, having almost daily struggles with my emotions, and fought it because I didn't want anything to get in the way of my healing, so as many times a day I needed to I forgave whoever I was upset with at the moment. I didn't understand what was going on with me. But I continued to stuff my feelings down deep inside me, and put on my happy face, so no one was the wiser. I did try to talk to my husband, and he was very supportive, but there was nothing he could do to help me, so he just tried to be there for me anyways, always gentle and loving me as only he can. ---Believer

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