Yesterday I went to the church to help do some stuff. I was talking to my Care Pastor about my blog when I got emotional, and began telling her about how my heart was still pretty tender about the whole healing thing. Upon hearing this we ended up in an unplanned counseling session. God did some amazing things, He showed me that I was still dealing with rejection from my childhood, stuff I thought I had long since dealt with.
I received an answer of why I wasn't physically healed. After months of searching and praying, to the Lord asking Him why because I was certain that I had heard Him correctly, and had even received confirmation through my friend. That even months after I been through the fire, I still felt in my heart that I had heard Him correctly. But the physical healing still hadn't manifested, so I must not heard right. I was saying to her that I had no idea there had been so much stuff still in my life from my childhood and that maybe the healing the Lord had told me would happen on October 17,2008 was not a physical healing, but instead an emotional one. As soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth, I knew the Lord had given me the answer, I had so longed for. I knew the healing was an emotional healing. So you see the healing did come, it just did not happen in the way I had expected. Is the promise of physical healing still there, yes it is, in fact the Lord spoke to me this morning about it from His Word in Psalms 37:5 " Commit you way to the Lord, Trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass ". I have assurance that My God is not a man that He should lie. He always fulfills His Word, and His promises to His children. Isaiah 55:11 says " So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it ".
So you may be asking after all this does she still believe that she will be healed physically? The answer to that is YES, absolutely without doubt. So I will continue to wait on the promise that I know my Lord gave me.
In order for the Lord to do the work that He wanted to do in me, I had to be broken and poured out for Him. Do I understand it all, no, and I don't know if I ever will. But I do know that I am so very thankful to my Lord for doing it, because if I hadn't gone through the hurt, and it really was a great hurt. I wouldn't be who I am today, and where I am in my walk with Him today. So for that I am eternally grateful to Him.
Being a Christian ( A Christ follower) doesn't mean that all your problems go away the moment you accept Him into your heart. It means that you are not alone, that He is always with you, giving you the strength you need to get through the storms in your life, 2 Corinthians 12:9b-10c says And He said to me, "........My strength is made perfect in weakness.........For when I am weak, then I am strong. In other words when we are weak He is strong. We can lean on His strength and trust that He will get us through each and every storm we go through, that He knows what is best for us and will not misguide us. I know He has for me, and I know He will for you too.---Believer.
Showing posts with label testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label testimony. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Journey, Part 23
Well there you have it, my entire testimony to date, and you have now read about the worst most darkest place I've ever been. But God is faithful even when we are not, I guess that's one of the things I wanted you to see the most.
We have a very kind and loving God. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). I want you to see through the example in my life that Christians are merely people like everyone else, and sometimes we make wrong choices, and mistakes. We are not perfect by any means. But God is Faithful in that if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness ( 1 John 1:9).
He desires that none should be lost and He loves you so much. 1Timothy 2:4 -6 says that God desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom for all.
I'm not trying to preach here. My life has not been a perfect one, but He's always been here to guide me along the way, giving me His love, mercy and grace . By no means do I think I have had the most horrific life, because I know there are people out there who have had it much worse than I. But I know now through this journey of a lifetime that God has been here with me all the way, and has never, nor will He ever leave or forsake me ( Hebrews 13:5)
And that longing empty feeling that I have always had, that need for love and acceptance. Well I have now found the One and only One who can fill that place inside me. It is not by doing anything for Him, it is simply being His child, that we find true love and acceptance in Christ. That empty longing feeling is now gone and is being filled with the love of my Lord and God. He has restored me, and made me whole and complete in a way I've never been before.
This concludes the Testimony part of this blog. I pray it has blessed you. Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Thess 5:23).---Believer
We have a very kind and loving God. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). I want you to see through the example in my life that Christians are merely people like everyone else, and sometimes we make wrong choices, and mistakes. We are not perfect by any means. But God is Faithful in that if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness ( 1 John 1:9).
He desires that none should be lost and He loves you so much. 1Timothy 2:4 -6 says that God desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom for all.
I'm not trying to preach here. My life has not been a perfect one, but He's always been here to guide me along the way, giving me His love, mercy and grace . By no means do I think I have had the most horrific life, because I know there are people out there who have had it much worse than I. But I know now through this journey of a lifetime that God has been here with me all the way, and has never, nor will He ever leave or forsake me ( Hebrews 13:5)
And that longing empty feeling that I have always had, that need for love and acceptance. Well I have now found the One and only One who can fill that place inside me. It is not by doing anything for Him, it is simply being His child, that we find true love and acceptance in Christ. That empty longing feeling is now gone and is being filled with the love of my Lord and God. He has restored me, and made me whole and complete in a way I've never been before.
This concludes the Testimony part of this blog. I pray it has blessed you. Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Thess 5:23).---Believer
Journey, Part 22
Journal
Thursday 4-2-09
This morning in my prayer time, I've been thinking a lot about the counseling sessions I've had with my Care Pastor. I have felt for the past couple of weeks that they might be ending soon. Well this morning I believe the Lord has told me that He has accelerated the healing process within me, and that they will in fact be ending. That just the time I spend with her in helping her will finish off what the Lord is doing, that and going through Cleansing Streams again and that I will learn in those times. I still am to stay close to her, I believe He said that she will help to show me the way, by this I mean I will learn what it is the Lord wants me to learn. That I am to listen to her. Now of course because I am a confirmation girl, I have asked the Lord to give me confirmation. I don't want to branch out if I'm not in His will, or if He knows I'm not ready. But I do believe this is what He has spoken to my heart. Wow Lord, Wow is all I can say. I stand Amazed. Show me where I can help her the most Lord, and not make it seem like I'm forcing things. She has given me so much Father, bless her I pray In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Thursday 4-2-09
This morning in my prayer time, I've been thinking a lot about the counseling sessions I've had with my Care Pastor. I have felt for the past couple of weeks that they might be ending soon. Well this morning I believe the Lord has told me that He has accelerated the healing process within me, and that they will in fact be ending. That just the time I spend with her in helping her will finish off what the Lord is doing, that and going through Cleansing Streams again and that I will learn in those times. I still am to stay close to her, I believe He said that she will help to show me the way, by this I mean I will learn what it is the Lord wants me to learn. That I am to listen to her. Now of course because I am a confirmation girl, I have asked the Lord to give me confirmation. I don't want to branch out if I'm not in His will, or if He knows I'm not ready. But I do believe this is what He has spoken to my heart. Wow Lord, Wow is all I can say. I stand Amazed. Show me where I can help her the most Lord, and not make it seem like I'm forcing things. She has given me so much Father, bless her I pray In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Journey 21b
We are to submit ourselves a living sacrifice--- wholly submitted to the Lord. Fully surrendered to the Lord with no back up plan for us to fall back on.
Pastor asked this question " How surrendered are you to the Lord? I ask myself the same thing and I am not quite sure what the answer is. I know I want and desire to live a life that is fully surrendered, but I'm not sure how to do that, I don't know what that looks like or even how to apply it.
Pastor also said that being fully surrendered is to be a follower of Jesus and not just an admirer of Him. Lord God please forgive me if I have just been an admirer of You, and not a follower. How many of us have kept a rope tied to our ankle connecting us to the World ( control, carnal desires, the flesh etc, ) ? He also asked " Do you want to be a follower or an admirer? The difference is Surrender.
Lord this is my prayer, please hear my heart and not just my words. You've asked me some tough questions tonight, and my heart is grieved to think that I'm not pleasing to You or that I'm doing things wrong, but I also see how very much You love me, because if You didn't love me, You wouldn't care about where I am in my walk with You, so for that I thank You. I love You Lord so much, and I really truly want to be that first tree. I really want to be fully surrendered to You, so that at the slightest and lightest whisper You send my way, I will immediately Yield to You and Obey You, without hesitation follow You. I don't know how to do that in and of myself. I can't do it without You. Please Help Me. Don't let me leave tonight undecided Lord. I don't just want the goodie goodie feelings. I want to serve You, and even follow You, please show me how. Show me what that looks like, and how to apply that to my life Lord. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
I have questions in my heart. What does the Lord want me to do for Him, as far as applying my spiritual gifts. I know the Lord has a purpose and a plan for my life. He's given me Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I've been seeing this verse in several different settings I've been in. Tonight at break a man came up to me and was telling me that I was such a encourager, and that this verse is for me. I've been seeing it in several different settings I've been in. God is so good. I just don't know where I fit in, in the Kingdom. I have so much work to do emotionally and spiritually. I'm just so glad and thankful that He's here to help me every step of the way.
Pastor asked this question " How surrendered are you to the Lord? I ask myself the same thing and I am not quite sure what the answer is. I know I want and desire to live a life that is fully surrendered, but I'm not sure how to do that, I don't know what that looks like or even how to apply it.
Pastor also said that being fully surrendered is to be a follower of Jesus and not just an admirer of Him. Lord God please forgive me if I have just been an admirer of You, and not a follower. How many of us have kept a rope tied to our ankle connecting us to the World ( control, carnal desires, the flesh etc, ) ? He also asked " Do you want to be a follower or an admirer? The difference is Surrender.
Lord this is my prayer, please hear my heart and not just my words. You've asked me some tough questions tonight, and my heart is grieved to think that I'm not pleasing to You or that I'm doing things wrong, but I also see how very much You love me, because if You didn't love me, You wouldn't care about where I am in my walk with You, so for that I thank You. I love You Lord so much, and I really truly want to be that first tree. I really want to be fully surrendered to You, so that at the slightest and lightest whisper You send my way, I will immediately Yield to You and Obey You, without hesitation follow You. I don't know how to do that in and of myself. I can't do it without You. Please Help Me. Don't let me leave tonight undecided Lord. I don't just want the goodie goodie feelings. I want to serve You, and even follow You, please show me how. Show me what that looks like, and how to apply that to my life Lord. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
I have questions in my heart. What does the Lord want me to do for Him, as far as applying my spiritual gifts. I know the Lord has a purpose and a plan for my life. He's given me Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I've been seeing this verse in several different settings I've been in. Tonight at break a man came up to me and was telling me that I was such a encourager, and that this verse is for me. I've been seeing it in several different settings I've been in. God is so good. I just don't know where I fit in, in the Kingdom. I have so much work to do emotionally and spiritually. I'm just so glad and thankful that He's here to help me every step of the way.
Journey, Part 21a
Journal
Saturday 3-21-09
Well the Lord did it again for the 3rd week in a row, He spoke through Pastor straight to the heart of me. This time He (God) asked me some tough questions, they were good questions, just ones that I at the moment or in my own self simply don't know how to do, But I do hear His heart. I know He wants me to make the right choice. Heck, I want to make the right choice.
It all started at the break when I went to slide some papers under my Care Pastor's office door, that I wanted her to have, and she wasn't at church so I simply slid them under her door. Anyways one of my friends had come with me and on the way back she said she had something to share with me from the Lord, something He had showed her. In her vision she saw two trees in the fall season. There was a light wind blowing, and with the first tree the wind would blow on it and the leaves fell off the tree and to the ground easily. The second tree, the light wind blew on it and only a few leaves fell to the ground, storm after storm began to hit the tree, and it took many storms to get any leaves off the tree. The Lord said first tree are people who are so sensitive to the Lord, that when He speak even in the softest and lightest way, they immediately respond and yield to Him. The second tree are people who want control, and it takes blow after blow, storm after storm, to get them to yield to Him. " THE CHOICE IS MINE ". By no means did I think nor do I think now that she was telling me I'm one or the other, she was just telling me what the Lord told her to tell me. I immediately thought I've been the second tree, but Lord I don't want to be, but I just don't know how to be any other way.
When Pastor began to preach, His lesson topic was " Surrendering to the Lord ". I knew the Lord was obviously speaking to me about Surrendering to Him, but not just a casual surrender either, I mean an all out , hard core surrender to Him with all that I am. I thought Lord I want to do this, I want to be one that yields quickly to Your voice, but I have no clue in how to do that, or even what that looks like. The examples Pastor gave us were Abraham and Issac when God told Abraham to sacrifice Issac, that being the example of living a fully surrendered life. Abraham had no back up plan. He simply followed and obeyed The Lord. The example of not living a fully surrendered life was Jonah. His disobedience not only effected Him, but everyone around him.
Saturday 3-21-09
Well the Lord did it again for the 3rd week in a row, He spoke through Pastor straight to the heart of me. This time He (God) asked me some tough questions, they were good questions, just ones that I at the moment or in my own self simply don't know how to do, But I do hear His heart. I know He wants me to make the right choice. Heck, I want to make the right choice.
It all started at the break when I went to slide some papers under my Care Pastor's office door, that I wanted her to have, and she wasn't at church so I simply slid them under her door. Anyways one of my friends had come with me and on the way back she said she had something to share with me from the Lord, something He had showed her. In her vision she saw two trees in the fall season. There was a light wind blowing, and with the first tree the wind would blow on it and the leaves fell off the tree and to the ground easily. The second tree, the light wind blew on it and only a few leaves fell to the ground, storm after storm began to hit the tree, and it took many storms to get any leaves off the tree. The Lord said first tree are people who are so sensitive to the Lord, that when He speak even in the softest and lightest way, they immediately respond and yield to Him. The second tree are people who want control, and it takes blow after blow, storm after storm, to get them to yield to Him. " THE CHOICE IS MINE ". By no means did I think nor do I think now that she was telling me I'm one or the other, she was just telling me what the Lord told her to tell me. I immediately thought I've been the second tree, but Lord I don't want to be, but I just don't know how to be any other way.
When Pastor began to preach, His lesson topic was " Surrendering to the Lord ". I knew the Lord was obviously speaking to me about Surrendering to Him, but not just a casual surrender either, I mean an all out , hard core surrender to Him with all that I am. I thought Lord I want to do this, I want to be one that yields quickly to Your voice, but I have no clue in how to do that, or even what that looks like. The examples Pastor gave us were Abraham and Issac when God told Abraham to sacrifice Issac, that being the example of living a fully surrendered life. Abraham had no back up plan. He simply followed and obeyed The Lord. The example of not living a fully surrendered life was Jonah. His disobedience not only effected Him, but everyone around him.
Journey, Part 20
Journal
Wednesday 3-18-09 am
I have been meaning to get in here and type in this journal for a couple of days now. God has been showing me a lot of things this week, through Cleansing Streams, through His Word, through everyday life. I am not even sure where to begin since it's been spread out over a couple of days. I guess I will start with Cleansing Streams. I went Sunday with my now friend, Care Pastor, and adopted mom to another church for the seminar. And if was really good. I knew from experience that when we prayed the prayer asking the Lord to show us when we are walking in the flesh, that He would. I have to say, the Lords been showing me ever since. It is important to me to really apply this round of Cleansing Streams, to dive in with all that I am. I finished the "Walk in the Spirit" part of the workbook yesterday, and I have four chapters of the book "the bait of Satan" read already. These are lifetime tools, that I can use for my entire Christian walk.
Saturday night at church Pastor's message was "Have you ever received a promise from the Lord?" Immediately I knew God wasn't going to let me push the issue of what happened in October under the rug. . But I still really believed in my heart of hearts that October 17th was to be my day of healing, I have never gone out on a limb like this before, but I was so certain God was going to heal me. I began to let myself dream of all the things that my husband and I would be able to do together, going for walks, riding a real bike for the first time in my life. Being able to wear any shoes I wanted because I wouldn't have to worry about me wearing them out. Being able to dance, and dance before my Jesus which had been a long time hearts desire of mine.
But you see even though I gave up on God, He didn't give up on me. I still don't understand why I wasn't healed, I really believe I was in His will, but apparently not because I'm still not healed. Anyways I eventually with much counseling have come to a place where I am no longer angry with God, and He has brought me so far. But in my heart I've still been trying to avoid the issue of the healing, because I don't want to be angry like that again, it was miserable I was miserable. So anyways I just have been trying to focus on other parts of my life, like rebuilding my relationship with the Lord, but this time not based on what I thought it should be, or what I should do, but simply being real, real with Him, real in my walk, in my actions, in my everyday life. My Care Pastor helped me to see that it's ok to feel what I feel, what ever that emotion may be, that it's ok to allow myself to feel it, and to not stuff if down deep inside of me. But then the Lord brought up the subject of a promise from the Lord through Pastor Saturday night, it made me feel a little weird, because I've been trying not to focus on the healing thing. But I knew as I know now that the promise of physical healing is still there. So I opened my heart to the Lord and listen to Him speak. And I heard Him say that I need to learn to trust Him. So Lord I ask You to help me to learn to trust You, it is my heart's desire.
Wednesday 3-18-09 am
I have been meaning to get in here and type in this journal for a couple of days now. God has been showing me a lot of things this week, through Cleansing Streams, through His Word, through everyday life. I am not even sure where to begin since it's been spread out over a couple of days. I guess I will start with Cleansing Streams. I went Sunday with my now friend, Care Pastor, and adopted mom to another church for the seminar. And if was really good. I knew from experience that when we prayed the prayer asking the Lord to show us when we are walking in the flesh, that He would. I have to say, the Lords been showing me ever since. It is important to me to really apply this round of Cleansing Streams, to dive in with all that I am. I finished the "Walk in the Spirit" part of the workbook yesterday, and I have four chapters of the book "the bait of Satan" read already. These are lifetime tools, that I can use for my entire Christian walk.
Saturday night at church Pastor's message was "Have you ever received a promise from the Lord?" Immediately I knew God wasn't going to let me push the issue of what happened in October under the rug. . But I still really believed in my heart of hearts that October 17th was to be my day of healing, I have never gone out on a limb like this before, but I was so certain God was going to heal me. I began to let myself dream of all the things that my husband and I would be able to do together, going for walks, riding a real bike for the first time in my life. Being able to wear any shoes I wanted because I wouldn't have to worry about me wearing them out. Being able to dance, and dance before my Jesus which had been a long time hearts desire of mine.
But you see even though I gave up on God, He didn't give up on me. I still don't understand why I wasn't healed, I really believe I was in His will, but apparently not because I'm still not healed. Anyways I eventually with much counseling have come to a place where I am no longer angry with God, and He has brought me so far. But in my heart I've still been trying to avoid the issue of the healing, because I don't want to be angry like that again, it was miserable I was miserable. So anyways I just have been trying to focus on other parts of my life, like rebuilding my relationship with the Lord, but this time not based on what I thought it should be, or what I should do, but simply being real, real with Him, real in my walk, in my actions, in my everyday life. My Care Pastor helped me to see that it's ok to feel what I feel, what ever that emotion may be, that it's ok to allow myself to feel it, and to not stuff if down deep inside of me. But then the Lord brought up the subject of a promise from the Lord through Pastor Saturday night, it made me feel a little weird, because I've been trying not to focus on the healing thing. But I knew as I know now that the promise of physical healing is still there. So I opened my heart to the Lord and listen to Him speak. And I heard Him say that I need to learn to trust Him. So Lord I ask You to help me to learn to trust You, it is my heart's desire.
Journey, Part 19
Journal
Wednesday March 11,2009
Today I had another meeting with my Care Pastor, and it was totally amazing. We were talking about the healing thing, and how far I've come since October 17th. The Lord showed her that I was a cracked pot and He had to smash the pot, that I had been broken and poured out. I told her that I believed that, then as we were talking the Lord showed me a grey lump of clay on an old fashioned potters wheel. I instantly knew that was me, and all that time that I had felt stuck, and that I couldn't move, was because at the time I was a lump of unformed clay. He also showed me that through the music I've been listening too that even though I thought it was the only way I could have some lifeline to Him, it was Him so lovingly reaching out to me when I was simply to emotionally weak to reach out to Him. He also showed me that me listening to the worship music is getting a need met for me, and that I'm to add that back into my life because that is how we spend such special time together. Another thing He showed me as I was talking to my Care Pastor of how I don't understand why some of the stuff that happened to me, was, I saw myself in a dress kneeling down, and I was crying with tears running down my face, and I was scrambling trying to pick up these pieces of broken clay and put it back together, trying to fix what was broken in me, so I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on, but the problem was that I couldn't put the pieces together again, then the Lord showed me, as I was telling her this was the reason for this was because He had taken a hammer and shattered the cracked pot, and when He had shattered it it was but grey powdered dust. You can't put dust back together, and that was why even though I had thought I was putting shards of broken pottery it was in reality dust, and that is why I was so frustrated. So as She and I were both in tears over that, the Lord then showed us both the pile of grey dust that was formally me, then we saw dust blowing away, and then I knew that the old me was passing away, and the lump of clay of the potters wheel, was going to be made into a new vessel. It was a totally amazing and totally beautiful.
Wednesday March 11,2009
Today I had another meeting with my Care Pastor, and it was totally amazing. We were talking about the healing thing, and how far I've come since October 17th. The Lord showed her that I was a cracked pot and He had to smash the pot, that I had been broken and poured out. I told her that I believed that, then as we were talking the Lord showed me a grey lump of clay on an old fashioned potters wheel. I instantly knew that was me, and all that time that I had felt stuck, and that I couldn't move, was because at the time I was a lump of unformed clay. He also showed me that through the music I've been listening too that even though I thought it was the only way I could have some lifeline to Him, it was Him so lovingly reaching out to me when I was simply to emotionally weak to reach out to Him. He also showed me that me listening to the worship music is getting a need met for me, and that I'm to add that back into my life because that is how we spend such special time together. Another thing He showed me as I was talking to my Care Pastor of how I don't understand why some of the stuff that happened to me, was, I saw myself in a dress kneeling down, and I was crying with tears running down my face, and I was scrambling trying to pick up these pieces of broken clay and put it back together, trying to fix what was broken in me, so I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on, but the problem was that I couldn't put the pieces together again, then the Lord showed me, as I was telling her this was the reason for this was because He had taken a hammer and shattered the cracked pot, and when He had shattered it it was but grey powdered dust. You can't put dust back together, and that was why even though I had thought I was putting shards of broken pottery it was in reality dust, and that is why I was so frustrated. So as She and I were both in tears over that, the Lord then showed us both the pile of grey dust that was formally me, then we saw dust blowing away, and then I knew that the old me was passing away, and the lump of clay of the potters wheel, was going to be made into a new vessel. It was a totally amazing and totally beautiful.
Journey, Part 18
Note: I have only put five of my personal journal entries in this. The ones I felt most pertain to this blog. For the sake of privacy, and the protection of people I care about no names are used except those used in scriptures.
Journal
Wednesday March 4, 2009
Today I went and had my weekly meeting with my Care Pastor. It was amazing! We were sitting there just talking about how things have been going, and I was sharing with her stuff about my brother in-law and his adjusting to living here. And then we moved on to how I always think about end times, my fears, and my doubts of my salvation, and how I didn't feel prepared. And that I had great fear, of all that. And in that came out a movie I saw when I was little of the end times, and all the scary stuff that was in the opening scene. And as I was telling her this it was a total God moment. And it was like neon lights going off for her that this was a stronghold that had driven me my entire Christian life. We then were led by the Lord to do the repent, renounce, break, and speak blessings that we learned from Cleansing Streams. So we prayed together, with her having me lead out, and her in agreement with me. So I just started praying, confessing, repenting, breaking and blessing, with her agreeing with me. The Lord then led me to confess, repent, breaking, and blessing in the area of believing the lies of the enemy, in regards to condemnation. After that She felt we were supposed to do Communion, so we did. From there we just talked, and cried, and I felt so humbled, and yet at one point we started laughing and couldn't stop. God is so good, and He is so faithful. I stand amazed. During our prayer time I did feel the Lord tell me that I WILL STAND!!!!
Another thing that happened yesterday that was pretty amazing. I came home and as I was climbing the stairs I noticed my tree. It's coming to life, with little buds all over it, so I ran inside grabbed the camera, and took a picture of it. I believe the Lord showed me in the winter that tree is like me, I took a picture of it all stripped and barren, now I have one of it budding. I so love My God.
Journal
Wednesday March 4, 2009
Today I went and had my weekly meeting with my Care Pastor. It was amazing! We were sitting there just talking about how things have been going, and I was sharing with her stuff about my brother in-law and his adjusting to living here. And then we moved on to how I always think about end times, my fears, and my doubts of my salvation, and how I didn't feel prepared. And that I had great fear, of all that. And in that came out a movie I saw when I was little of the end times, and all the scary stuff that was in the opening scene. And as I was telling her this it was a total God moment. And it was like neon lights going off for her that this was a stronghold that had driven me my entire Christian life. We then were led by the Lord to do the repent, renounce, break, and speak blessings that we learned from Cleansing Streams. So we prayed together, with her having me lead out, and her in agreement with me. So I just started praying, confessing, repenting, breaking and blessing, with her agreeing with me. The Lord then led me to confess, repent, breaking, and blessing in the area of believing the lies of the enemy, in regards to condemnation. After that She felt we were supposed to do Communion, so we did. From there we just talked, and cried, and I felt so humbled, and yet at one point we started laughing and couldn't stop. God is so good, and He is so faithful. I stand amazed. During our prayer time I did feel the Lord tell me that I WILL STAND!!!!
Another thing that happened yesterday that was pretty amazing. I came home and as I was climbing the stairs I noticed my tree. It's coming to life, with little buds all over it, so I ran inside grabbed the camera, and took a picture of it. I believe the Lord showed me in the winter that tree is like me, I took a picture of it all stripped and barren, now I have one of it budding. I so love My God.
Journey, Part 17
I became totally lost, I lost my faith in God. I was devastated and didn't understand why this had happened to me. I didn't understand why God had me go through this. I struggled each day with my emotions, I was completely falling apart, but was trying to maintain some since of control of my life. I stopped going to church, and stopped talking to pretty much everyone from the church. Except for two people. One of them was another friend I had, from the church who didn't know anything of what was going on, and the other was my Care Pastor. I became extremely angry, and angry at God, He had done this to me I thought. I hadn't even asked the Lord to heal me, He is the one who had approached me, about healing me fourteen years earlier, here I had been faithful in believing His word, and believing that He always keeps His word. I had believed in His promise. I stopped believing in Him, and His promise, In His word. I couldn't handle listening to the worship and praise music I had always found such peace in. The Christian piano music that I had learned to play for six months before held no appeal for me any longer. I put all my Bibles away in the top of my closet, and refused to even look at them. I began swearing and I became depressed, and began to believe that God had set me up. He had allowed me to get my hopes up and to dream things I had always hoped for in my heart of hearts.
For whatever reason I felt I could reach out to my Care Pastor, I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family about this, as I felt very vulnerable and if they had said I told you so it would have sent me over the edge. I would call her and vent like crazy, and she just listened to me. She encourage me that God had not set me up, but I didn't believe her. My husband was wise, and just let me talk, and didn't try to fix me, which I am so thankful to him for. I didn't want to be fixed, I just wanted to be heard.
I continued to call my Care Pastor, once a week, and she would tell me that it was ok to feel the way I felt, that God had given me my emotions, and I began meeting with her on a weekly basis. Slowly over time, I forgave God, and realized that He hadn't set me up. It was also during this time that I discovered Celtic music in a new way. I would spend hours listening to it. I was moved deeply in my heart every time I listened to it. At Christmas time my friend whom I had prayed with all summer, gave me a beautiful little hand crafted sachet, that had little purple gemstones in it and four scriptures rolled up like little scrolls, The scriptures spoke of how much the Lord loves me, and how beautiful I am to Him. I was spending a lot of time in my car traveling so I hung it up from the rear view mirror to remind me. I would play the Celtic music while driving and would often reach out and touch the little lace sachet and for me that was me reaching out to touch my Jesus. It was all I could do at the time. It became very precious to me. I felt like it was the only lifeline I had to the Lord, the only way I felt any connection to Him at the time.
One day when I was feeling particularly emotional and tearful, my Care Pastor came over to my house. Since my stepson was here at the house we went into my prayer room so we could talk. She had been telling me that tears could heal, but I just didn't know why I was falling apart, and I just wanted it to stop. I started crying and layed my head on her lap and cried for an hour. No words were said, except the ones that she was praying over me. She just let me cry and cry. All the pain of not being healed pouring out with each tear that I shed. After I had stopped crying she made me promise I would go to the doctor to get checked out in order to rule out any medical reasons for my emotional state besides the healing thing.
I finally went to the doctor, and she diagnosed me with going through premenopause and increased my estrogen as I had been on it for years due to a full hysterectomy I had when I was in my mid twenties. This greatly improved my emotional state, where I didn't feel like I was going out of my mind. I still had some deep wounds from the whole healing thing, but over time I've been able to slowly heal. I still don't understand about the healing thing and why it didn't happen and why I had to go through what I went through and I may never understand on this side of heaven. But I do know that my Jesus loves me, and that He heals the broken-hearted. I finally came to a place of healing where I was no longer angry at God, and came to a place where I forgave Him. I no longer feel that He set me up. And although I don't understand His ways. I know He has a plan for my life. I also was no longer satisfied with the status quo of Christianity. I no longer wanted to go through the motions. I spent most of my Christian walk with the Lord doing that. I wanted a very REAL relationship with Him. I wanted to truly know my Lord, not just go through the motions with Him. From this point I have included some of my journal entries during the point where I started to heal from my broken heart.---Believer
For whatever reason I felt I could reach out to my Care Pastor, I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family about this, as I felt very vulnerable and if they had said I told you so it would have sent me over the edge. I would call her and vent like crazy, and she just listened to me. She encourage me that God had not set me up, but I didn't believe her. My husband was wise, and just let me talk, and didn't try to fix me, which I am so thankful to him for. I didn't want to be fixed, I just wanted to be heard.
I continued to call my Care Pastor, once a week, and she would tell me that it was ok to feel the way I felt, that God had given me my emotions, and I began meeting with her on a weekly basis. Slowly over time, I forgave God, and realized that He hadn't set me up. It was also during this time that I discovered Celtic music in a new way. I would spend hours listening to it. I was moved deeply in my heart every time I listened to it. At Christmas time my friend whom I had prayed with all summer, gave me a beautiful little hand crafted sachet, that had little purple gemstones in it and four scriptures rolled up like little scrolls, The scriptures spoke of how much the Lord loves me, and how beautiful I am to Him. I was spending a lot of time in my car traveling so I hung it up from the rear view mirror to remind me. I would play the Celtic music while driving and would often reach out and touch the little lace sachet and for me that was me reaching out to touch my Jesus. It was all I could do at the time. It became very precious to me. I felt like it was the only lifeline I had to the Lord, the only way I felt any connection to Him at the time.
One day when I was feeling particularly emotional and tearful, my Care Pastor came over to my house. Since my stepson was here at the house we went into my prayer room so we could talk. She had been telling me that tears could heal, but I just didn't know why I was falling apart, and I just wanted it to stop. I started crying and layed my head on her lap and cried for an hour. No words were said, except the ones that she was praying over me. She just let me cry and cry. All the pain of not being healed pouring out with each tear that I shed. After I had stopped crying she made me promise I would go to the doctor to get checked out in order to rule out any medical reasons for my emotional state besides the healing thing.
I finally went to the doctor, and she diagnosed me with going through premenopause and increased my estrogen as I had been on it for years due to a full hysterectomy I had when I was in my mid twenties. This greatly improved my emotional state, where I didn't feel like I was going out of my mind. I still had some deep wounds from the whole healing thing, but over time I've been able to slowly heal. I still don't understand about the healing thing and why it didn't happen and why I had to go through what I went through and I may never understand on this side of heaven. But I do know that my Jesus loves me, and that He heals the broken-hearted. I finally came to a place of healing where I was no longer angry at God, and came to a place where I forgave Him. I no longer feel that He set me up. And although I don't understand His ways. I know He has a plan for my life. I also was no longer satisfied with the status quo of Christianity. I no longer wanted to go through the motions. I spent most of my Christian walk with the Lord doing that. I wanted a very REAL relationship with Him. I wanted to truly know my Lord, not just go through the motions with Him. From this point I have included some of my journal entries during the point where I started to heal from my broken heart.---Believer
Journey, Part 16
About two weeks before I believed I was to be healed I began to feel in my spirit that I wasn't going to be healed. I chalked it up to the enemy trying to discourage me, so I pushed it aside, but in the back of my mind I had a small growing fear that it wasn't going to happen.
One morning three days before October 17th my friend popped online, and wanted to chat. As I was talking to her she began to ask me if I had been marching. I freaked out, and panicked and couldn't figure out how she would know I wasn't marching. Instead of facing up to the truth and being honest with her, I did the wrong thing and lied to her and told her that oh yes I had in fact been marching. With that she dropped the subject and we talked of other stuff.
Finally, the long awaited day came, it was a Friday. I woke up that morning laying in bed pleading with God for my healing, but something deep inside me just knew it wasn't going to happen. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. With the first step I took, I knew I wasn't healed. I was completely and utterly devastated. But with my husband still home I sucked it up until he after he left for work. I went into my prayer room, with tears streaming down my face, I got down on my knees and began repenting for any sins I may have committed. The Lord brought to my mind the lie I had told my friend. I knew I had to call her, and confess what I had done. So I got on the phone with tears still streaming down my face, and told her the truth and asked her to forgive me. She said that yes she did forgive me, and that she had known that I wasn't marching. I knew the Lord had told her. She told me to cheer up, that this was the day of my healing, and to focus on that and be happy. I tried sucking it up, and having a positive attitude. But I knew it wasn't going to be healed. I cried all day. All my hopes and dreams were destroyed.
The next night was Church, and although I really didn't want to go, I felt I should be a good Christian and go anyways so I did. My Care Pastor came up to me to make sure I was alright. I just wanted to crumble up and cry and cry. I told her that I was fine, that God is God and He knows best. I really thought that after a few days I would be fine. I spent the whole service just wanting to get out of there. But the truth was I wasn't fine, that I had literally been rocked to my core, this began my downward spiral into the most painful, most darkest place that I've ever been. ---Believer
One morning three days before October 17th my friend popped online, and wanted to chat. As I was talking to her she began to ask me if I had been marching. I freaked out, and panicked and couldn't figure out how she would know I wasn't marching. Instead of facing up to the truth and being honest with her, I did the wrong thing and lied to her and told her that oh yes I had in fact been marching. With that she dropped the subject and we talked of other stuff.
Finally, the long awaited day came, it was a Friday. I woke up that morning laying in bed pleading with God for my healing, but something deep inside me just knew it wasn't going to happen. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. With the first step I took, I knew I wasn't healed. I was completely and utterly devastated. But with my husband still home I sucked it up until he after he left for work. I went into my prayer room, with tears streaming down my face, I got down on my knees and began repenting for any sins I may have committed. The Lord brought to my mind the lie I had told my friend. I knew I had to call her, and confess what I had done. So I got on the phone with tears still streaming down my face, and told her the truth and asked her to forgive me. She said that yes she did forgive me, and that she had known that I wasn't marching. I knew the Lord had told her. She told me to cheer up, that this was the day of my healing, and to focus on that and be happy. I tried sucking it up, and having a positive attitude. But I knew it wasn't going to be healed. I cried all day. All my hopes and dreams were destroyed.
The next night was Church, and although I really didn't want to go, I felt I should be a good Christian and go anyways so I did. My Care Pastor came up to me to make sure I was alright. I just wanted to crumble up and cry and cry. I told her that I was fine, that God is God and He knows best. I really thought that after a few days I would be fine. I spent the whole service just wanting to get out of there. But the truth was I wasn't fine, that I had literally been rocked to my core, this began my downward spiral into the most painful, most darkest place that I've ever been. ---Believer
Journey, Part 15
During the time between the time we stopped our daily prayer and when I was to be healed, I began to feel the effects of my crazy summer schedule. I still talked to my friend almost daily via an instant messenger program. Things started changing for me, and I began to misunderstand things that people were saying to me, including my friend, and I found myself getting really agitated, and getting offended at them, and it wasn't even their fault, it was totally my misunderstanding people around me. I was always wanting to cry and I was extremely tired all the time. I didn't know what was going on. But like always when faced with something like this I just did my best to stuff my feelings, and suck it up. But I still hung onto the promise of the Lord healing me with dear life.
I began to allow myself to truly imagine what it would be like to be able to walk normal like everyone else. I'd go shopping and look at all the shoes I had never been able to wear, and dream what it would be like to finally be able to get whatever shoes I wanted ( I used to go through shoes every 2 to 4 weeks ). I would think how I'd be able to go on walks with my husband. To be able to ride a regular two- wheel bike. To do things that most people take for granted. I poured all that I was into that promise.
Finally, October 1, 2008 came around, it was the first day I was to march, so at the designated time I began. By the third day, I began to feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to march after all, I became really confused about it, so I decided not to march. Instead of calling my friend and talking to her, which I really should have done. I decided I didn't want to, because I knew she would hold me accountable ( that is a good thing ), so instead of dealing with it, I pushed it under the rug and didn't really think she would know any different.
I continued, having almost daily struggles with my emotions, and fought it because I didn't want anything to get in the way of my healing, so as many times a day I needed to I forgave whoever I was upset with at the moment. I didn't understand what was going on with me. But I continued to stuff my feelings down deep inside me, and put on my happy face, so no one was the wiser. I did try to talk to my husband, and he was very supportive, but there was nothing he could do to help me, so he just tried to be there for me anyways, always gentle and loving me as only he can. ---Believer
I began to allow myself to truly imagine what it would be like to be able to walk normal like everyone else. I'd go shopping and look at all the shoes I had never been able to wear, and dream what it would be like to finally be able to get whatever shoes I wanted ( I used to go through shoes every 2 to 4 weeks ). I would think how I'd be able to go on walks with my husband. To be able to ride a regular two- wheel bike. To do things that most people take for granted. I poured all that I was into that promise.
Finally, October 1, 2008 came around, it was the first day I was to march, so at the designated time I began. By the third day, I began to feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to march after all, I became really confused about it, so I decided not to march. Instead of calling my friend and talking to her, which I really should have done. I decided I didn't want to, because I knew she would hold me accountable ( that is a good thing ), so instead of dealing with it, I pushed it under the rug and didn't really think she would know any different.
I continued, having almost daily struggles with my emotions, and fought it because I didn't want anything to get in the way of my healing, so as many times a day I needed to I forgave whoever I was upset with at the moment. I didn't understand what was going on with me. But I continued to stuff my feelings down deep inside me, and put on my happy face, so no one was the wiser. I did try to talk to my husband, and he was very supportive, but there was nothing he could do to help me, so he just tried to be there for me anyways, always gentle and loving me as only he can. ---Believer
Journey, Part 14
Towards the end of the second thirty day period I began to read a book called "Rees Howell's Intercessor". I was totally floored and amazed by this book. The things that the Lord had this man doing were amazing. And his heart really was to do all and only what the Lord had told him, and God worked many miracles through him because of it. One night when I was reading I came across a part where a friend of his was sick, and the Lord instructed him and the friend to ask for a specific time and date of healing for the one who was sick. They fasted and prayed and the Lord gave them a day and time. And when that day and even the specific time came he was in fact completely healed. These words jumped out at me, and my spirit quickened within me, I then asked the Lord, was He telling me to do the same. I got no answer at the time, but decided I would ask my two friends who were on this journey with me to partner along side me to see if indeed this was the Lord's leading. So the next day I went to prayer and I told my friends about the book and what I felt the Lord might be telling me, and asked them to pray that I would receive some confirmation in some way. They agreed, but said the Lord might not tell them. I said I understood, and left it at that and we went on with our regular prayer time.
During this time I continued to pray about a specific day for my healing. As well as the awesome journey my friend and I were having with the Lord. One day out of the blue when we were praying my friend wrote down on a piece of paper a specific day October 17th, and handed it to me. I asked her about it, but she simply said I needed to pray about it. I put the paper in my purse and continued on praying. After we were done, I took her home, and wondered on the way home what that date could be. As soon as I got home I went to my prayer room, and really started praying about it. I struggled and wrestled with the Lord if this was in fact the day of my healing. I went back and forth in my mind if it was just me or not. I didn't want to get my hopes up, and at the same time I was so excited. I had waited so long for this, I didn't want to hear this wrong. I continued on in earnest prayer, struggling back and forth with my emotions. Finally after an hour and a half I heard the Lord say, that I simply needed to take a step of faith and believe. So taking a deep breath I said ok Lord I believe.
The next day I went to prayer, and told my friend, that October 17, 2008 was the day that the Lord was going to heal me. She smiled and said that yes that was what the Lord had told her, and that He wouldn't let her tell me, because He wanted me to seek it out. We both got all excited, and began rejoicing in the Lord. From there we felt like the Lord said I should march back and forth seven times for a short period of time. He gave us Scriptures on healing, and I would speak them out while I walked, while my friend joined with me in prayer. I poured all that was in me into this season of my life, believing more than I ever had that the Lord was going to heal me. I even thought at one point He told me I was to continue the march at home after the sixty days were over. So we agreed that I would march at my house and she would pray from her house at a certain time each day.
The Lord put on our hearts to do a three day fast for our church the last three days of our sixty day journey. So we began and finally the last day of the fast happened, and we both felt like the Lord told us the work He had for us to do was finished. Needless to say, we were a little slow on the draw and showed up for prayer the next day, and told each other what we had felt the Lord was saying the day before. After repenting ( asking forgiveness for not obeying Him ) and praying for some more stuff, we closed our prayer time. Knowing the work was done. This was done in September 2008. We agreed I would start marching on October 1st, 2008 and went our separate ways. ---Believer
During this time I continued to pray about a specific day for my healing. As well as the awesome journey my friend and I were having with the Lord. One day out of the blue when we were praying my friend wrote down on a piece of paper a specific day October 17th, and handed it to me. I asked her about it, but she simply said I needed to pray about it. I put the paper in my purse and continued on praying. After we were done, I took her home, and wondered on the way home what that date could be. As soon as I got home I went to my prayer room, and really started praying about it. I struggled and wrestled with the Lord if this was in fact the day of my healing. I went back and forth in my mind if it was just me or not. I didn't want to get my hopes up, and at the same time I was so excited. I had waited so long for this, I didn't want to hear this wrong. I continued on in earnest prayer, struggling back and forth with my emotions. Finally after an hour and a half I heard the Lord say, that I simply needed to take a step of faith and believe. So taking a deep breath I said ok Lord I believe.
The next day I went to prayer, and told my friend, that October 17, 2008 was the day that the Lord was going to heal me. She smiled and said that yes that was what the Lord had told her, and that He wouldn't let her tell me, because He wanted me to seek it out. We both got all excited, and began rejoicing in the Lord. From there we felt like the Lord said I should march back and forth seven times for a short period of time. He gave us Scriptures on healing, and I would speak them out while I walked, while my friend joined with me in prayer. I poured all that was in me into this season of my life, believing more than I ever had that the Lord was going to heal me. I even thought at one point He told me I was to continue the march at home after the sixty days were over. So we agreed that I would march at my house and she would pray from her house at a certain time each day.
The Lord put on our hearts to do a three day fast for our church the last three days of our sixty day journey. So we began and finally the last day of the fast happened, and we both felt like the Lord told us the work He had for us to do was finished. Needless to say, we were a little slow on the draw and showed up for prayer the next day, and told each other what we had felt the Lord was saying the day before. After repenting ( asking forgiveness for not obeying Him ) and praying for some more stuff, we closed our prayer time. Knowing the work was done. This was done in September 2008. We agreed I would start marching on October 1st, 2008 and went our separate ways. ---Believer
Monday, May 11, 2009
Journey, Part 13
When I was thirty-five the Lord had showed me the passage of scripture about the man at the pool of Bethesda. John 5:1-14 After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. 3 In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. 4 For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. 5 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, "Do you want to be made well?" 7 The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me." 8 Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." 9 And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked. And that day was the Sabbath. 10 The Jews therefore said to him who was cured, "It is the Sabbath; it is not lawful for you to carry your bed." 11 He answered them, "He who made me well said to me, 'Take up your bed and walk.'" 12 Then they asked him, "Who is the Man who said to you, 'Take up your bed and walk'?" 13 But the one who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, a multitude being in that place. 14 Afterward Jesus found him in the temple, and said to him, "See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you."
I had kept it to myself . But the reason I was intrigued by it so much was because the man was thirty-eight years old when he was healed. At the time the Lord showed me this, I was thirty-five. I was afraid to get my hopes up and didn't want to tell anyone for fear they would think I was crazy or something. I already believed my family was simply pacifying me on this issue so I thought it would be best kept to myself. Three years later I did end up telling my Care Pastor and my friend. And they were extremely supportive. Not that my family isn't supportive, I just think they don't want to see me get hurt.
In the Summer of 2008 I heard the Lord tell me that I was to start going to the church every day to pray for thirty days. When I told my friend about it she got all excited, and said she wanted to do it too. So began the most amazing season of life that we have ever had. It was a time of deep intercession, along with praise and worship before the Lord. He revealed many things to us, and I think we both fell even more in love with our Jesus. There were times when His presence was so strong that all we could do is kneel in total silence before Him.
We met weekly with our Care Pastor to make sure that we were held accountable, as we all agreed that accountability is essential. It was a time of great joy, and tears, as we laughed a lot and cried a lot for the body of Christ, as a whole.
As we neared the end of the thirty days, we both felt impressed upon by the Lord that we were to continue to pray for another thirty days, and then from there and indefinite amount of time. So the journey continued.
During this time both of our schedules were extremely busy, and I really believe it was God that was keeping me going. But giving up was not an option.
The prayer times became even more intense. And we became even more hungry for the Lord. Each of us were spending hours a day in prayer both at the church and at home. I know for myself I wanted so much of my Lord. I actually wanted to see Him. I mean really see Him, with my physical eyes. We kept pressing into the things that He wanted us to pray about.---Believer
2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. 3 In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. 4 For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. 5 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, "Do you want to be made well?" 7 The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me." 8 Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." 9 And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked. And that day was the Sabbath. 10 The Jews therefore said to him who was cured, "It is the Sabbath; it is not lawful for you to carry your bed." 11 He answered them, "He who made me well said to me, 'Take up your bed and walk.'" 12 Then they asked him, "Who is the Man who said to you, 'Take up your bed and walk'?" 13 But the one who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, a multitude being in that place. 14 Afterward Jesus found him in the temple, and said to him, "See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you."
I had kept it to myself . But the reason I was intrigued by it so much was because the man was thirty-eight years old when he was healed. At the time the Lord showed me this, I was thirty-five. I was afraid to get my hopes up and didn't want to tell anyone for fear they would think I was crazy or something. I already believed my family was simply pacifying me on this issue so I thought it would be best kept to myself. Three years later I did end up telling my Care Pastor and my friend. And they were extremely supportive. Not that my family isn't supportive, I just think they don't want to see me get hurt.
In the Summer of 2008 I heard the Lord tell me that I was to start going to the church every day to pray for thirty days. When I told my friend about it she got all excited, and said she wanted to do it too. So began the most amazing season of life that we have ever had. It was a time of deep intercession, along with praise and worship before the Lord. He revealed many things to us, and I think we both fell even more in love with our Jesus. There were times when His presence was so strong that all we could do is kneel in total silence before Him.
We met weekly with our Care Pastor to make sure that we were held accountable, as we all agreed that accountability is essential. It was a time of great joy, and tears, as we laughed a lot and cried a lot for the body of Christ, as a whole.
As we neared the end of the thirty days, we both felt impressed upon by the Lord that we were to continue to pray for another thirty days, and then from there and indefinite amount of time. So the journey continued.
During this time both of our schedules were extremely busy, and I really believe it was God that was keeping me going. But giving up was not an option.
The prayer times became even more intense. And we became even more hungry for the Lord. Each of us were spending hours a day in prayer both at the church and at home. I know for myself I wanted so much of my Lord. I actually wanted to see Him. I mean really see Him, with my physical eyes. We kept pressing into the things that He wanted us to pray about.---Believer
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Journey, Part 12
I continued to go to the church here. It took me about a year before I really connected with anyone in the church. We were going to be have a special speaker who would minister to people through the Word of God. I prayed all weekend that God would speak to me, I hadn't felt His presence for a long time. I just figured it had to be because of the way I had lived when I had fallen back into my old ways, and that He must be looking down on me. Even though through my husband God had brought me back to Him, I simply couldn't believe in my heart that I was totally forgiven. Even though in my head I knew I was. The special speaker came and ministered to many people that night, but not to me. I was totally heartbroken. Every time he called someone out, I kept praying it would be me, I so desperately needed and wanted to hear from my God.
Through out the service I kept feeling like I needed to talk to the Care Pastor at our church, and I knew I could leave without talking to her. So I approached her. There were a few people around her, and one of the ladies came up to me, and she said "you know I've been watching you the entire service, and want you to know God is all over you. " At that I began crying and she proceeded to tell me that " He knew you wanted to hear from Him tonight, and the reason that He didn't is that you are very fragile right now, and He's hiding you away and is protecting you right now, that He loves you. " Upon hearing this I began crying all the more, and I thanked her and proceeded to tell her that I really had thought God had forgotten about me. They all chimed in that no He didn't. She gave me a hug and went on her way. I stayed and continued talking to our Care Pastor and was talking to her about my being an intercessor ( for those of you who don't know what an intercessor is, it's someone who has been specifically called to prayer, the intercessors are the prayer warriors in the body of Christ ). She got all excited, and said they were just starting up an intercessory prayer group and she introduced me to another couple who were intercessors. So that started me on a two year journey, where we met once an week to pray for our Pastor, the church, and the body of Christ in our county. It was a great time. There were five of us. One of the ladies and I started getting really close to each other. I would drive her home, and we would have the best conversations. God quickly knit our hearts together. She became my best friend. It had been such a long time since I had, had a really close friend that it felt so good. We began doing everything together, and she connected me to another prayer group that prayed specifically for our county. We met once a week, and had weekly luncheons at one of the leaders house.
It was during one of those luncheons that someone asked us during a teaching they were giving if any of us had been waiting on a promise for a long time. I instantly thought of the promise of healing that I had now been waiting for, for fourteen years. I mentioned that. This person said they thought it was interesting, because the Lord had impressed upon the three leaders to start praying for me for physical healing every week, but they just hadn't been sure about how to approach me. I graciously accepted their offer and that began five month season of them praying for me. Just so you know there were improvements during this time, but not a total physical healing. With that story, begins the very reason I started this blog, I hope you stay tuned. ---Believer
Through out the service I kept feeling like I needed to talk to the Care Pastor at our church, and I knew I could leave without talking to her. So I approached her. There were a few people around her, and one of the ladies came up to me, and she said "you know I've been watching you the entire service, and want you to know God is all over you. " At that I began crying and she proceeded to tell me that " He knew you wanted to hear from Him tonight, and the reason that He didn't is that you are very fragile right now, and He's hiding you away and is protecting you right now, that He loves you. " Upon hearing this I began crying all the more, and I thanked her and proceeded to tell her that I really had thought God had forgotten about me. They all chimed in that no He didn't. She gave me a hug and went on her way. I stayed and continued talking to our Care Pastor and was talking to her about my being an intercessor ( for those of you who don't know what an intercessor is, it's someone who has been specifically called to prayer, the intercessors are the prayer warriors in the body of Christ ). She got all excited, and said they were just starting up an intercessory prayer group and she introduced me to another couple who were intercessors. So that started me on a two year journey, where we met once an week to pray for our Pastor, the church, and the body of Christ in our county. It was a great time. There were five of us. One of the ladies and I started getting really close to each other. I would drive her home, and we would have the best conversations. God quickly knit our hearts together. She became my best friend. It had been such a long time since I had, had a really close friend that it felt so good. We began doing everything together, and she connected me to another prayer group that prayed specifically for our county. We met once a week, and had weekly luncheons at one of the leaders house.
It was during one of those luncheons that someone asked us during a teaching they were giving if any of us had been waiting on a promise for a long time. I instantly thought of the promise of healing that I had now been waiting for, for fourteen years. I mentioned that. This person said they thought it was interesting, because the Lord had impressed upon the three leaders to start praying for me for physical healing every week, but they just hadn't been sure about how to approach me. I graciously accepted their offer and that began five month season of them praying for me. Just so you know there were improvements during this time, but not a total physical healing. With that story, begins the very reason I started this blog, I hope you stay tuned. ---Believer
Journey, Part 11
I finally got so lonely, and had been waiting so long for God to bring someone into my life, after a year and a half, I took matters into my own hands and put myself at some dating sites online. The problem was that most of the sites I was on were for people who were just wanting sex, and I was looking for something long term, I wanted a lifetime relationship. I just wanted to be loved and taken care of.
Unfortunately, I made some bad choices and began slipping away from the Lord, because I knew I was sinning, and didn't feel like I should act like I was serving Him, and sinning at the same time.I felt that if I did that I was being a hypocrite so my church attendance stopped, and I began to slip back into old habits before I had come back to the Lord. I began talking on my web cam to someone in Canada, who simply was talking to me, for what he could see, and eventually I went out on a couple of one night stands with two other men.
In the midst of this I had started talking to a guy (who was simply a friend at the time ). Almost from the get go it was like he knew my deepest thoughts, dreams and desires, because they were also his. I began to so look forward to our conversations, and we had some deep heavy conversations. We talked about everything from the kitchen sink to world peace, but I didn't care, I felt like for the first time since my teen years someone who really knew me, understood me. He was always concerned with my welfare. Always telling me that I deserved much more than I had gotten, and to not ever settle for less. Then I found out he was also a Christian who had also fallen away from the Lord as I had. I got so excited, because here was someone I was totally falling for, and he was also a Christian, and I could share with him, a part of my life that I hadn't been able to do before. We did eventually get together. He help me a lot with my daughter, and I was more than happy to hand the household responsibilities over to him. See, I'm a little old fashioned, than most women today, in the fact that I truly believe the husband is the head of the house. We lived together for six months ( I would not recommend doing it that way as it's not how God designed things to be ), and got married, because we knew it was the right thing to do in the eyes of God. We have now been together for three years and have a wonderful relationship. He is my hearts desire. I truly adore him. On top of that God restored my relationship with Him in spite of the way I had acted.
Because my husband was working just over an hour away from where we lived at, we were led by the Lord to move up where his job was. It's been the best and greatest thing I've ever done. We began attending the Foursquare Church where we now live, and I can now see that all the training I had learned in my former church, God had used to prepare me for the work He would now have me do here. --- Believer
Unfortunately, I made some bad choices and began slipping away from the Lord, because I knew I was sinning, and didn't feel like I should act like I was serving Him, and sinning at the same time.I felt that if I did that I was being a hypocrite so my church attendance stopped, and I began to slip back into old habits before I had come back to the Lord. I began talking on my web cam to someone in Canada, who simply was talking to me, for what he could see, and eventually I went out on a couple of one night stands with two other men.
In the midst of this I had started talking to a guy (who was simply a friend at the time ). Almost from the get go it was like he knew my deepest thoughts, dreams and desires, because they were also his. I began to so look forward to our conversations, and we had some deep heavy conversations. We talked about everything from the kitchen sink to world peace, but I didn't care, I felt like for the first time since my teen years someone who really knew me, understood me. He was always concerned with my welfare. Always telling me that I deserved much more than I had gotten, and to not ever settle for less. Then I found out he was also a Christian who had also fallen away from the Lord as I had. I got so excited, because here was someone I was totally falling for, and he was also a Christian, and I could share with him, a part of my life that I hadn't been able to do before. We did eventually get together. He help me a lot with my daughter, and I was more than happy to hand the household responsibilities over to him. See, I'm a little old fashioned, than most women today, in the fact that I truly believe the husband is the head of the house. We lived together for six months ( I would not recommend doing it that way as it's not how God designed things to be ), and got married, because we knew it was the right thing to do in the eyes of God. We have now been together for three years and have a wonderful relationship. He is my hearts desire. I truly adore him. On top of that God restored my relationship with Him in spite of the way I had acted.
Because my husband was working just over an hour away from where we lived at, we were led by the Lord to move up where his job was. It's been the best and greatest thing I've ever done. We began attending the Foursquare Church where we now live, and I can now see that all the training I had learned in my former church, God had used to prepare me for the work He would now have me do here. --- Believer
Journey, Part 10
During the ten year period that I went to the Foursquare Church, my ex and I split up and got back together twice, finally the third time ended in divorce in 2004. Also during this time the Lord blessed me with two cars at two different times, and with a house from Habitat for Humanity. I was also on a rotating schedule along with another group of women to be on the worship team. It was such a great time of growth for me in so many ways. At the same time however I began to have problems in other areas of my life. But I still walked by faith of knowing the Lord was going to healing me of the Cerebral Palsy I had spent a lifetime with. I received many different words from people saying the Lord was going to heal me, people who would not have known that I had already been told by the Lord that He was going to heal me. For a while I strived for the healing, and then as time passed I began just rest in the promise of healing knowing that my Lord does not lie, and He will bring His promises, and His word to pass.
Shortly after I had moved into my house in 2001 we found out my mom had a brain tumor, as a result of twenty years of her battlingoff and on with first breast cancer and then ovarian cancer. It was from the ovarian cancer, that the brain tumor developed. This devastated my family, but like always when faced with hard times we picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off, and came together as a family in a united front. I was so angry, not at God, like He caused this, but that here my mom was faced with cancer for a third time in her life. I remember asking the Lord, how much more can she take Lord. It was like I did all my grieving for her right then, so that when a year later she finally did go home to heaven to be with our Lord, I was so at peace. Her suffering was over, and she was happy and pain free, living at peace in our Lord's arms. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I really miss her, but being a Christian I know I will see her again someday, because I know we both have the gift of eternal life from God the Father through Jesus Christ His Son ( John 3:16 ).
Being a single mom, life isn't always so easy. I didn't work, and received SSI disability payments, and was on welfare so I could receive cash assistance and food stamps. I also would have to go to the food banks once a month just so we wouldn't go hungry. After all the bills were paid I would have twenty dollars to get by with the rest of the month. This lasted for a year and a half. The loneliness I felt was unbearable at times. I had watched my daughter go from someone who loved the Lord so much, to one who wanted nothing to do with God. There were many many struggles between her and I. All communication between us completely stopped, and we simply came to a place where we didn't understand each other. We both were hurt and in turn hurt each other. Things were said and done by each of us that I'm sure neither of us are proud of. But God has a way of restoring relationships so beautifully. Three years later we have a good relationship. My daughter is now eighteen, out of school, and is working and living in the town I lived in before I got remarried. She is happy, and healthy. And I am so proud of her. What more can any parent wish for their kids. ---Believer
Shortly after I had moved into my house in 2001 we found out my mom had a brain tumor, as a result of twenty years of her battlingoff and on with first breast cancer and then ovarian cancer. It was from the ovarian cancer, that the brain tumor developed. This devastated my family, but like always when faced with hard times we picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off, and came together as a family in a united front. I was so angry, not at God, like He caused this, but that here my mom was faced with cancer for a third time in her life. I remember asking the Lord, how much more can she take Lord. It was like I did all my grieving for her right then, so that when a year later she finally did go home to heaven to be with our Lord, I was so at peace. Her suffering was over, and she was happy and pain free, living at peace in our Lord's arms. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I really miss her, but being a Christian I know I will see her again someday, because I know we both have the gift of eternal life from God the Father through Jesus Christ His Son ( John 3:16 ).
Being a single mom, life isn't always so easy. I didn't work, and received SSI disability payments, and was on welfare so I could receive cash assistance and food stamps. I also would have to go to the food banks once a month just so we wouldn't go hungry. After all the bills were paid I would have twenty dollars to get by with the rest of the month. This lasted for a year and a half. The loneliness I felt was unbearable at times. I had watched my daughter go from someone who loved the Lord so much, to one who wanted nothing to do with God. There were many many struggles between her and I. All communication between us completely stopped, and we simply came to a place where we didn't understand each other. We both were hurt and in turn hurt each other. Things were said and done by each of us that I'm sure neither of us are proud of. But God has a way of restoring relationships so beautifully. Three years later we have a good relationship. My daughter is now eighteen, out of school, and is working and living in the town I lived in before I got remarried. She is happy, and healthy. And I am so proud of her. What more can any parent wish for their kids. ---Believer
Journey, Part 9
I continued to grow in the Lord over the next year. I was so in love with my Jesus and so hungry for Him.
I remember driving to church with my daughter who was four at the time and us taking turns picking out songs that we could sing to Jesus. She was excited about Him as well. When she was five years old she accepted Jesus into her heart. She came out of Sunday school on Sunday and she was so excited to tell her dad and myself that she had asked Jesus to come into her heart and live that day. We both rejoiced with her. She wanted me to read to her from The Bible for hours every night. She was so in love with Jesus too.
God did so many things that year. It was amazing. He is amazing.
My ex-husband kept making remarks of how much I had changed. I don't think he was to thrilled with the change, but I simply looked at him and said, I was glad, because I didn't want to be back where I was prior to Jesus getting a hold of my heart.
After about a year I started to feel a stirring in my spirit, and the Lord led me to go to the Foursquare Church where my sister was attending. That really began a huge time of growth in the Lord for me. I went from being a baby ( new ) Christian to being one who was growing and maturing in Christ. Not only did I grow there, but my daughter loved going, and she grew in the Lord as well.
One Tuesday morning in 1995 the youth pastors wife, who is just a totally sweet woman, had come in briefly to do something while our Bible study group was meeting. We were talking, and she looked at me and said, " The Lord told me He is going to physically heal you " I looked at her, and smiled and said " That's great, I receive that". At the time I was just sort of amazed, and not sure what to do with that information. But I knew that she was a woman who heard from the Lord, and that I could trust her, she simply wouldn't have told me that if He hadn't told her. This started me on a fourteen year journey of waiting for the Lord to heal me. I totally believed and had faith. But I'm getting a head of myself here, so let me back track a little .
From there I really began to grow in the Lord, and became involved with a ministry called " Cleansing Stream ". As well as a woman's group called Aglow. Through " Cleansing Stream the Lord began setting me free from a lot of the bondage's that came from my past. One of those bondage's was the fear of the dark that I had suffered from for so many years. I just realized one day after going through the classes, and the retreat, that it no longer bothered me to be in the dark. I was amazed. And was so in awe of God. Through Aglow I learned leadership skills and really how to do spiritual warfare because I had served on the local board for two years. All the while standing on the promise of healing the Lord had given me. ---Believer
I remember driving to church with my daughter who was four at the time and us taking turns picking out songs that we could sing to Jesus. She was excited about Him as well. When she was five years old she accepted Jesus into her heart. She came out of Sunday school on Sunday and she was so excited to tell her dad and myself that she had asked Jesus to come into her heart and live that day. We both rejoiced with her. She wanted me to read to her from The Bible for hours every night. She was so in love with Jesus too.
God did so many things that year. It was amazing. He is amazing.
My ex-husband kept making remarks of how much I had changed. I don't think he was to thrilled with the change, but I simply looked at him and said, I was glad, because I didn't want to be back where I was prior to Jesus getting a hold of my heart.
After about a year I started to feel a stirring in my spirit, and the Lord led me to go to the Foursquare Church where my sister was attending. That really began a huge time of growth in the Lord for me. I went from being a baby ( new ) Christian to being one who was growing and maturing in Christ. Not only did I grow there, but my daughter loved going, and she grew in the Lord as well.
One Tuesday morning in 1995 the youth pastors wife, who is just a totally sweet woman, had come in briefly to do something while our Bible study group was meeting. We were talking, and she looked at me and said, " The Lord told me He is going to physically heal you " I looked at her, and smiled and said " That's great, I receive that". At the time I was just sort of amazed, and not sure what to do with that information. But I knew that she was a woman who heard from the Lord, and that I could trust her, she simply wouldn't have told me that if He hadn't told her. This started me on a fourteen year journey of waiting for the Lord to heal me. I totally believed and had faith. But I'm getting a head of myself here, so let me back track a little .
From there I really began to grow in the Lord, and became involved with a ministry called " Cleansing Stream ". As well as a woman's group called Aglow. Through " Cleansing Stream the Lord began setting me free from a lot of the bondage's that came from my past. One of those bondage's was the fear of the dark that I had suffered from for so many years. I just realized one day after going through the classes, and the retreat, that it no longer bothered me to be in the dark. I was amazed. And was so in awe of God. Through Aglow I learned leadership skills and really how to do spiritual warfare because I had served on the local board for two years. All the while standing on the promise of healing the Lord had given me. ---Believer
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Journey, Part 8
To shorten this story a little bit, between the ages of nineteen and twenty-four I met the man who is now my ex husband, got pregnant had a beautiful baby girl. Whom I adored and still adore. I went on living my life without the Lord, not giving it a second thought.
Life seemed to be a struggle day in day out. My ex and I had a rocky relationship. But we did try the best we could. One day when our daughter was about four years old, I was watching my daily soap operas when they showed a woman being demon possessed. This totally freaked me out. I was instantly convicted of not living my life right for the Lord. I quickly turned the TV off got down on my knees and began repenting asking the Lord to forgive me for the way I had been living. I felt His presence there with me that day, and He forgave me. I fell in love with my Jesus that day.
Life seemed to be a struggle day in day out. My ex and I had a rocky relationship. But we did try the best we could. One day when our daughter was about four years old, I was watching my daily soap operas when they showed a woman being demon possessed. This totally freaked me out. I was instantly convicted of not living my life right for the Lord. I quickly turned the TV off got down on my knees and began repenting asking the Lord to forgive me for the way I had been living. I felt His presence there with me that day, and He forgave me. I fell in love with my Jesus that day.
My ex and I weren't married at the time, and I knew I couldn't keep living in sin, so I called up the church that I had grown up in and sure enough one of the pastors who was there when I was a kid was still there. He talked me through what I was to do. I was under so much conviction, that I simply wanted to make right the whole living together thing. Without praying about it any further, I told my my ex that I couldn't live that way anymore, and that he had to either marry me or we needed to part ways. But something had to change I just wanted to right the wrong way I had been living. He agreed to marry me, but hind sight now shows me that it was wrong for me to do that. We really were polar opposites, we didn't have a thing in common except our daughter, who by the way is now 18 years old. On His side there were drug and alcohol problems. On my side I was always wanting him to change, and throwing my faith in his face. He emotionally and verbally abused me, and I stripped him down, to make him feel like dirt and made him feel like less of a man, always telling him what was wrong with him. We had our good times, but more often than not it seemed like we were always fighting about something. As I've gotten older I realize that my behavior towards him was so wrong, and that I had as much to do with the ending of our relationship as he did. I have learned my lesson the hard way and thankfully have not repeated it.
Upon my re-dedication to the Lord, I found such a love for Him. I couldn't get enough of Him. I was reading my bible constantly, and Christian music was always playing. I began regular attendance at the church I grew up in as a little girl.
Because of my cerebral palsy I began have problems with my sciatic nerve, and was in a lot of pain. The doctor put me on pain killers and muscle relaxers. I discovered that I could lay in front of the wall heater that we had and it would help my legs. So often during the night when I would wake up because I was hurting, rather than take something for it I would get up,and lay down in front of that heater and get my bible and read for hours on end by a really bright night light . Or sometimes I would write out prayers or poems to my Lord. I spent hours a day just singing to my Jesus and praying, I was so in love with Him. ----Believer
Journey, Part 7b
I went with my friend and we hitchhiked for about twenty or so miles to where he and his family lived. It was there I learned the truth of what happened. I stayed with them for about a week and a half to two weeks. I wasn't allowed to eat much, and eventually left there and stayed in a motel with a man twice my age in exchange for sex. My whole world was destroyed. Finally, one day as I was sitting in his motel room starving cause I was barely eating, I thought why am I living like this when I could go home, and have a warm place to live, and food in my belly, and be with people I know loved me. So after three weeks of being gone, I called my mom and asked if I could come home. She said yes. She asked where I was and came and got me. I grew up a lot after that. I went back to school, and stopped my horrible behavior, and even graduated with my class. And much to the surprise and relief of my family, I became me again.
When my boyfriend found out that I knew the truth, he fed me a bunch of lies, and proposed to me, to get me to be on his side. And I was naive enough to believe his lies. Over the next year I stayed with him, loyal and by his side. When he finally got sentenced it was for five years that he would go to prison for his crime. Still I stayed by his side for the another year. He still controlled me from prison, and I still believed the lies, until the one and only time that I ever saw him behind bars. I had been invited by his parents to take a trip to see him, and as I was sitting there across from him, the lights came on so to speak, and I finally admitted the truth to myself that I had known all along and chosen to ignore. That he had in fact committed the crime.
After returning home I knew I needed to get out of the relationship. I sent him a dear John letter, and packed up everything he or his family members ever gave me, and left it beside their mailbox with a letter saying goodbye.
This concludes my childhood years part of this blog. I want to personally thank you for bearing with me. I promise that this will all make since eventually. God bless you all. ---Believer
When my boyfriend found out that I knew the truth, he fed me a bunch of lies, and proposed to me, to get me to be on his side. And I was naive enough to believe his lies. Over the next year I stayed with him, loyal and by his side. When he finally got sentenced it was for five years that he would go to prison for his crime. Still I stayed by his side for the another year. He still controlled me from prison, and I still believed the lies, until the one and only time that I ever saw him behind bars. I had been invited by his parents to take a trip to see him, and as I was sitting there across from him, the lights came on so to speak, and I finally admitted the truth to myself that I had known all along and chosen to ignore. That he had in fact committed the crime.
After returning home I knew I needed to get out of the relationship. I sent him a dear John letter, and packed up everything he or his family members ever gave me, and left it beside their mailbox with a letter saying goodbye.
This concludes my childhood years part of this blog. I want to personally thank you for bearing with me. I promise that this will all make since eventually. God bless you all. ---Believer
Journey, Part 7a
When I was two months from turning 17, I met a man who was ten years older than me. And for the next two years he consumed my life. He became my everything and I fell totally in love with him. The only problem was that he was very controlling. Under pressure from him and being driven by need for love and acceptance I began to wear what he wanted me to wear, talk like he wanted me to talk, act like he wanted me to act. He controlled what movies and tv I would watch, because if I even mentioned I thought a star was cute, I would no longer be able to watch that movie or show. My family didn't really like him, but after a lot of fighting, let me date him anyways.
My entire Junior year and the very first part of my Senior year in High School were spent in massive amounts of rebellion ( I was a late bloomer in this department ). To say that I was horrible to all my family members, mainly to my poor mother, is the understatement of the century, I was mean and cruel to her in so many ways, and I'm sure she just didn't know how to handle me. The only one I would really listen to was my boyfriend and his family, which I later regretted in so many ways. But He would buy me all kinds of stuff, either him or his family, and in many ways I really believed that all this would fill that void I had felt for so many years.
By the time I was a senior in school he had exposed me to massive amounts of pornography, he would force me to read articles from many porn magazines over the course of our relationship.
One night on his way home from work he pulled off the road to snort a line of methamphetamine, when a police officer pulled over behind him and arrested him for drug use. While searching the car they came across a picture he had of a naked little girl who was the daughter of a friend of his who was also molesting all four of his kids. I want to state very clearly at this point that neither his family nor I knew anything about him doing anything like this. He was then arrested and charged with child molestation.
One night I called over to his parents house because that is where he lived. His mother could barely talk she was crying so hard, and wouldn't tell me what was wrong except that he was in bad trouble. It stayed that way for months. I had no idea what he had done. Then one Saturday night an acquaintance of mine, came to my house, a guy I grew up going to school with. In the course of our conversation, he told me that my boyfriend had molested his little sister. I stood there completely stunned. I was in total shock and unbelief. I went in and called my boyfriends family, and they outright lied to me, and said no he hadn't. I went in and told my family I was going for a walk, and I wouldn't be back.
The rest of this part of the story is in Journey, Part 7b. ---Believer
My entire Junior year and the very first part of my Senior year in High School were spent in massive amounts of rebellion ( I was a late bloomer in this department ). To say that I was horrible to all my family members, mainly to my poor mother, is the understatement of the century, I was mean and cruel to her in so many ways, and I'm sure she just didn't know how to handle me. The only one I would really listen to was my boyfriend and his family, which I later regretted in so many ways. But He would buy me all kinds of stuff, either him or his family, and in many ways I really believed that all this would fill that void I had felt for so many years.
By the time I was a senior in school he had exposed me to massive amounts of pornography, he would force me to read articles from many porn magazines over the course of our relationship.
One night on his way home from work he pulled off the road to snort a line of methamphetamine, when a police officer pulled over behind him and arrested him for drug use. While searching the car they came across a picture he had of a naked little girl who was the daughter of a friend of his who was also molesting all four of his kids. I want to state very clearly at this point that neither his family nor I knew anything about him doing anything like this. He was then arrested and charged with child molestation.
One night I called over to his parents house because that is where he lived. His mother could barely talk she was crying so hard, and wouldn't tell me what was wrong except that he was in bad trouble. It stayed that way for months. I had no idea what he had done. Then one Saturday night an acquaintance of mine, came to my house, a guy I grew up going to school with. In the course of our conversation, he told me that my boyfriend had molested his little sister. I stood there completely stunned. I was in total shock and unbelief. I went in and called my boyfriends family, and they outright lied to me, and said no he hadn't. I went in and told my family I was going for a walk, and I wouldn't be back.
The rest of this part of the story is in Journey, Part 7b. ---Believer
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