Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Journey, Part 17

I became totally lost, I lost my faith in God. I was devastated and didn't understand why this had happened to me. I didn't understand why God had me go through this. I struggled each day with my emotions, I was completely falling apart, but was trying to maintain some since of control of my life. I stopped going to church, and stopped talking to pretty much everyone from the church. Except for two people. One of them was another friend I had, from the church who didn't know anything of what was going on, and the other was my Care Pastor. I became extremely angry, and angry at God, He had done this to me I thought. I hadn't even asked the Lord to heal me, He is the one who had approached me, about healing me fourteen years earlier, here I had been faithful in believing His word, and believing that He always keeps His word. I had believed in His promise. I stopped believing in Him, and His promise, In His word. I couldn't handle listening to the worship and praise music I had always found such peace in. The Christian piano music that I had learned to play for six months before held no appeal for me any longer. I put all my Bibles away in the top of my closet, and refused to even look at them. I began swearing and I became depressed, and began to believe that God had set me up. He had allowed me to get my hopes up and to dream things I had always hoped for in my heart of hearts.

For whatever reason I felt I could reach out to my Care Pastor, I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family about this, as I felt very vulnerable and if they had said I told you so it would have sent me over the edge. I would call her and vent like crazy, and she just listened to me. She encourage me that God had not set me up, but I didn't believe her. My husband was wise, and just let me talk, and didn't try to fix me, which I am so thankful to him for. I didn't want to be fixed, I just wanted to be heard.

I continued to call my Care Pastor, once a week, and she would tell me that it was ok to feel the way I felt, that God had given me my emotions, and I began meeting with her on a weekly basis. Slowly over time, I forgave God, and realized that He hadn't set me up. It was also during this time that I discovered Celtic music in a new way. I would spend hours listening to it. I was moved deeply in my heart every time I listened to it. At Christmas time my friend whom I had prayed with all summer, gave me a beautiful little hand crafted sachet, that had little purple gemstones in it and four scriptures rolled up like little scrolls, The scriptures spoke of how much the Lord loves me, and how beautiful I am to Him. I was spending a lot of time in my car traveling so I hung it up from the rear view mirror to remind me. I would play the Celtic music while driving and would often reach out and touch the little lace sachet and for me that was me reaching out to touch my Jesus. It was all I could do at the time. It became very precious to me. I felt like it was the only lifeline I had to the Lord, the only way I felt any connection to Him at the time.

One day when I was feeling particularly emotional and tearful, my Care Pastor came over to my house. Since my stepson was here at the house we went into my prayer room so we could talk. She had been telling me that tears could heal, but I just didn't know why I was falling apart, and I just wanted it to stop. I started crying and layed my head on her lap and cried for an hour. No words were said, except the ones that she was praying over me. She just let me cry and cry. All the pain of not being healed pouring out with each tear that I shed. After I had stopped crying she made me promise I would go to the doctor to get checked out in order to rule out any medical reasons for my emotional state besides the healing thing.

I finally went to the doctor, and she diagnosed me with going through premenopause and increased my estrogen as I had been on it for years due to a full hysterectomy I had when I was in my mid twenties. This greatly improved my emotional state, where I didn't feel like I was going out of my mind. I still had some deep wounds from the whole healing thing, but over time I've been able to slowly heal. I still don't understand about the healing thing and why it didn't happen and why I had to go through what I went through and I may never understand on this side of heaven. But I do know that my Jesus loves me, and that He heals the broken-hearted. I finally came to a place of healing where I was no longer angry at God, and came to a place where I forgave Him. I no longer feel that He set me up. And although I don't understand His ways. I know He has a plan for my life. I also was no longer satisfied with the status quo of Christianity. I no longer wanted to go through the motions. I spent most of my Christian walk with the Lord doing that. I wanted a very REAL relationship with Him. I wanted to truly know my Lord, not just go through the motions with Him. From this point I have included some of my journal entries during the point where I started to heal from my broken heart.---Believer

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