Journey, Part 20

Journal

Wednesday 3-18-09 am

I have been meaning to get in here and type in this journal for a couple of days now. God has been showing me a lot of things this week, through Cleansing Streams, through His Word, through everyday life. I am not even sure where to begin since it's been spread out over a couple of days. I guess I will start with Cleansing Streams. I went Sunday with my now friend, Care Pastor, and adopted mom to another church for the seminar. And if was really good. I knew from experience that when we prayed the prayer asking the Lord to show us when we are walking in the flesh, that He would. I have to say, the Lords been showing me ever since. It is important to me to really apply this round of Cleansing Streams, to dive in with all that I am. I finished the "Walk in the Spirit" part of the workbook yesterday, and I have four chapters of the book "the bait of Satan" read already. These are lifetime tools, that I can use for my entire Christian walk.

Saturday night at church Pastor's message was "Have you ever received a promise from the Lord?" Immediately I knew God wasn't going to let me push the issue of what happened in October under the rug. . But I still really believed in my heart of hearts that October 17th was to be my day of healing, I have never gone out on a limb like this before, but I was so certain God was going to heal me. I began to let myself dream of all the things that my husband and I would be able to do together, going for walks, riding a real bike for the first time in my life. Being able to wear any shoes I wanted because I wouldn't have to worry about me wearing them out. Being able to dance, and dance before my Jesus which had been a long time hearts desire of mine.

But you see even though I gave up on God, He didn't give up on me. I still don't understand why I wasn't healed, I really believe I was in His will, but apparently not because I'm still not healed. Anyways I eventually with much counseling have come to a place where I am no longer angry with God, and He has brought me so far. But in my heart I've still been trying to avoid the issue of the healing, because I don't want to be angry like that again, it was miserable I was miserable. So anyways I just have been trying to focus on other parts of my life, like rebuilding my relationship with the Lord, but this time not based on what I thought it should be, or what I should do, but simply being real, real with Him, real in my walk, in my actions, in my everyday life. My Care Pastor helped me to see that it's ok to feel what I feel, what ever that emotion may be, that it's ok to allow myself to feel it, and to not stuff if down deep inside of me. But then the Lord brought up the subject of a promise from the Lord through Pastor Saturday night, it made me feel a little weird, because I've been trying not to focus on the healing thing. But I knew as I know now that the promise of physical healing is still there. So I opened my heart to the Lord and listen to Him speak. And I heard Him say that I need to learn to trust Him. So Lord I ask You to help me to learn to trust You, it is my heart's desire.