Journey, Part 6

Before, I continue any further, I wanted to clarify some things that I said in my last blog entry (Journey, Part 5 ). In there I made a comment, about my youth pastor dismissing what had happened to me. I want to make it absolutely clear that I hold no animosity towards him. I think he was handling it the best way he knew how. And I also wanted to state that by no means do I hold unforgivness towards anyone who didn't believe me. Now back to my story.

When I was very young my sisters and I shared a room. And one night when I was four, my sisters wanted to shut me up, because I'm sure I was being a little brat in there eyes. To shut me up, they simply told me that that big foot was going to break into our room and they would let him take me. Now I know that may not seem like a big deal to you, but to a four year old little girl, it was the most horrifying thing that could happen. ( By no means do I hold this against my sisters, they were just being kids ). But at that point a spirit of fear came into my life, and slowly began to consume me. I would wet my bed, because even though I would wake up in the night knowing I had to use the bathroom, I thought for sure something bad would happen to me, if I got up so I would just stay in bed hiding under the covers until I wet the bed, because I couldn't hold it any more, this happened until I was eight or nine years old.

I would remember the Bible verse that spoke of Jesus coming back to get those who believe in Him and that He would come as a thief in the night. Well I was to young to understand what that scripture really meant and I was just horrified by the thought of anyone coming into my room, and hurting me ( Although Jesus would never hurt me ) and I remember waking up at night, and staring out my window from my bed, thinking something horrible was going to happen. I slept with the hall light on or at least the outside light on in later years, because I couldn't handle being in a dark room. I would try to fall asleep before my parents went to bed, because that meant I wouldn't have to lay there awake after they shut the lights off for the night. I'm not sure my family really understood my fear till later on, if they really ever did.

This fear became so great as I got older, that I didn't like being alone at night at all, and would have great anxiety at even the thought of it, and if my ex-husband was late from work or at a friends house I would end up calling him home, because I simply couldn't handle being alone at night. I had night lights all over my house and in my room everywhere, because I couldn't handle the dark. For many years after my church camp experience I couldn't even sleep on my left side, because of my right ear being exposed, and the very idea of a repeat performance of what the enemy had done to me terrified me. I believed the lie he was telling and thought if I could keep my ear covered, I wouldn't have anymore problems with that. So I essentially became paralyzed by a spirit of fear.

I tell you all this so you get an idea of just some of the bondage I was in. I had to back track a little so you would understand, things that I will mention later as I continue to tell you my story in future blogs. ---Believer