Journal
Thursday 4-2-09
This morning in my prayer time, I've been thinking a lot about the counseling sessions I've had with my Care Pastor. I have felt for the past couple of weeks that they might be ending soon. Well this morning I believe the Lord has told me that He has accelerated the healing process within me, and that they will in fact be ending. That just the time I spend with her in helping her will finish off what the Lord is doing, that and going through Cleansing Streams again and that I will learn in those times. I still am to stay close to her, I believe He said that she will help to show me the way, by this I mean I will learn what it is the Lord wants me to learn. That I am to listen to her. Now of course because I am a confirmation girl, I have asked the Lord to give me confirmation. I don't want to branch out if I'm not in His will, or if He knows I'm not ready. But I do believe this is what He has spoken to my heart. Wow Lord, Wow is all I can say. I stand Amazed. Show me where I can help her the most Lord, and not make it seem like I'm forcing things. She has given me so much Father, bless her I pray In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Journey 21b
We are to submit ourselves a living sacrifice--- wholly submitted to the Lord. Fully surrendered to the Lord with no back up plan for us to fall back on.
Pastor asked this question " How surrendered are you to the Lord? I ask myself the same thing and I am not quite sure what the answer is. I know I want and desire to live a life that is fully surrendered, but I'm not sure how to do that, I don't know what that looks like or even how to apply it.
Pastor also said that being fully surrendered is to be a follower of Jesus and not just an admirer of Him. Lord God please forgive me if I have just been an admirer of You, and not a follower. How many of us have kept a rope tied to our ankle connecting us to the World ( control, carnal desires, the flesh etc, ) ? He also asked " Do you want to be a follower or an admirer? The difference is Surrender.
Lord this is my prayer, please hear my heart and not just my words. You've asked me some tough questions tonight, and my heart is grieved to think that I'm not pleasing to You or that I'm doing things wrong, but I also see how very much You love me, because if You didn't love me, You wouldn't care about where I am in my walk with You, so for that I thank You. I love You Lord so much, and I really truly want to be that first tree. I really want to be fully surrendered to You, so that at the slightest and lightest whisper You send my way, I will immediately Yield to You and Obey You, without hesitation follow You. I don't know how to do that in and of myself. I can't do it without You. Please Help Me. Don't let me leave tonight undecided Lord. I don't just want the goodie goodie feelings. I want to serve You, and even follow You, please show me how. Show me what that looks like, and how to apply that to my life Lord. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
I have questions in my heart. What does the Lord want me to do for Him, as far as applying my spiritual gifts. I know the Lord has a purpose and a plan for my life. He's given me Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I've been seeing this verse in several different settings I've been in. Tonight at break a man came up to me and was telling me that I was such a encourager, and that this verse is for me. I've been seeing it in several different settings I've been in. God is so good. I just don't know where I fit in, in the Kingdom. I have so much work to do emotionally and spiritually. I'm just so glad and thankful that He's here to help me every step of the way.
Pastor asked this question " How surrendered are you to the Lord? I ask myself the same thing and I am not quite sure what the answer is. I know I want and desire to live a life that is fully surrendered, but I'm not sure how to do that, I don't know what that looks like or even how to apply it.
Pastor also said that being fully surrendered is to be a follower of Jesus and not just an admirer of Him. Lord God please forgive me if I have just been an admirer of You, and not a follower. How many of us have kept a rope tied to our ankle connecting us to the World ( control, carnal desires, the flesh etc, ) ? He also asked " Do you want to be a follower or an admirer? The difference is Surrender.
Lord this is my prayer, please hear my heart and not just my words. You've asked me some tough questions tonight, and my heart is grieved to think that I'm not pleasing to You or that I'm doing things wrong, but I also see how very much You love me, because if You didn't love me, You wouldn't care about where I am in my walk with You, so for that I thank You. I love You Lord so much, and I really truly want to be that first tree. I really want to be fully surrendered to You, so that at the slightest and lightest whisper You send my way, I will immediately Yield to You and Obey You, without hesitation follow You. I don't know how to do that in and of myself. I can't do it without You. Please Help Me. Don't let me leave tonight undecided Lord. I don't just want the goodie goodie feelings. I want to serve You, and even follow You, please show me how. Show me what that looks like, and how to apply that to my life Lord. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
I have questions in my heart. What does the Lord want me to do for Him, as far as applying my spiritual gifts. I know the Lord has a purpose and a plan for my life. He's given me Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I've been seeing this verse in several different settings I've been in. Tonight at break a man came up to me and was telling me that I was such a encourager, and that this verse is for me. I've been seeing it in several different settings I've been in. God is so good. I just don't know where I fit in, in the Kingdom. I have so much work to do emotionally and spiritually. I'm just so glad and thankful that He's here to help me every step of the way.
Journey, Part 21a
Journal
Saturday 3-21-09
Well the Lord did it again for the 3rd week in a row, He spoke through Pastor straight to the heart of me. This time He (God) asked me some tough questions, they were good questions, just ones that I at the moment or in my own self simply don't know how to do, But I do hear His heart. I know He wants me to make the right choice. Heck, I want to make the right choice.
It all started at the break when I went to slide some papers under my Care Pastor's office door, that I wanted her to have, and she wasn't at church so I simply slid them under her door. Anyways one of my friends had come with me and on the way back she said she had something to share with me from the Lord, something He had showed her. In her vision she saw two trees in the fall season. There was a light wind blowing, and with the first tree the wind would blow on it and the leaves fell off the tree and to the ground easily. The second tree, the light wind blew on it and only a few leaves fell to the ground, storm after storm began to hit the tree, and it took many storms to get any leaves off the tree. The Lord said first tree are people who are so sensitive to the Lord, that when He speak even in the softest and lightest way, they immediately respond and yield to Him. The second tree are people who want control, and it takes blow after blow, storm after storm, to get them to yield to Him. " THE CHOICE IS MINE ". By no means did I think nor do I think now that she was telling me I'm one or the other, she was just telling me what the Lord told her to tell me. I immediately thought I've been the second tree, but Lord I don't want to be, but I just don't know how to be any other way.
When Pastor began to preach, His lesson topic was " Surrendering to the Lord ". I knew the Lord was obviously speaking to me about Surrendering to Him, but not just a casual surrender either, I mean an all out , hard core surrender to Him with all that I am. I thought Lord I want to do this, I want to be one that yields quickly to Your voice, but I have no clue in how to do that, or even what that looks like. The examples Pastor gave us were Abraham and Issac when God told Abraham to sacrifice Issac, that being the example of living a fully surrendered life. Abraham had no back up plan. He simply followed and obeyed The Lord. The example of not living a fully surrendered life was Jonah. His disobedience not only effected Him, but everyone around him.
Saturday 3-21-09
Well the Lord did it again for the 3rd week in a row, He spoke through Pastor straight to the heart of me. This time He (God) asked me some tough questions, they were good questions, just ones that I at the moment or in my own self simply don't know how to do, But I do hear His heart. I know He wants me to make the right choice. Heck, I want to make the right choice.
It all started at the break when I went to slide some papers under my Care Pastor's office door, that I wanted her to have, and she wasn't at church so I simply slid them under her door. Anyways one of my friends had come with me and on the way back she said she had something to share with me from the Lord, something He had showed her. In her vision she saw two trees in the fall season. There was a light wind blowing, and with the first tree the wind would blow on it and the leaves fell off the tree and to the ground easily. The second tree, the light wind blew on it and only a few leaves fell to the ground, storm after storm began to hit the tree, and it took many storms to get any leaves off the tree. The Lord said first tree are people who are so sensitive to the Lord, that when He speak even in the softest and lightest way, they immediately respond and yield to Him. The second tree are people who want control, and it takes blow after blow, storm after storm, to get them to yield to Him. " THE CHOICE IS MINE ". By no means did I think nor do I think now that she was telling me I'm one or the other, she was just telling me what the Lord told her to tell me. I immediately thought I've been the second tree, but Lord I don't want to be, but I just don't know how to be any other way.
When Pastor began to preach, His lesson topic was " Surrendering to the Lord ". I knew the Lord was obviously speaking to me about Surrendering to Him, but not just a casual surrender either, I mean an all out , hard core surrender to Him with all that I am. I thought Lord I want to do this, I want to be one that yields quickly to Your voice, but I have no clue in how to do that, or even what that looks like. The examples Pastor gave us were Abraham and Issac when God told Abraham to sacrifice Issac, that being the example of living a fully surrendered life. Abraham had no back up plan. He simply followed and obeyed The Lord. The example of not living a fully surrendered life was Jonah. His disobedience not only effected Him, but everyone around him.
Journey, Part 20
Journal
Wednesday 3-18-09 am
I have been meaning to get in here and type in this journal for a couple of days now. God has been showing me a lot of things this week, through Cleansing Streams, through His Word, through everyday life. I am not even sure where to begin since it's been spread out over a couple of days. I guess I will start with Cleansing Streams. I went Sunday with my now friend, Care Pastor, and adopted mom to another church for the seminar. And if was really good. I knew from experience that when we prayed the prayer asking the Lord to show us when we are walking in the flesh, that He would. I have to say, the Lords been showing me ever since. It is important to me to really apply this round of Cleansing Streams, to dive in with all that I am. I finished the "Walk in the Spirit" part of the workbook yesterday, and I have four chapters of the book "the bait of Satan" read already. These are lifetime tools, that I can use for my entire Christian walk.
Saturday night at church Pastor's message was "Have you ever received a promise from the Lord?" Immediately I knew God wasn't going to let me push the issue of what happened in October under the rug. . But I still really believed in my heart of hearts that October 17th was to be my day of healing, I have never gone out on a limb like this before, but I was so certain God was going to heal me. I began to let myself dream of all the things that my husband and I would be able to do together, going for walks, riding a real bike for the first time in my life. Being able to wear any shoes I wanted because I wouldn't have to worry about me wearing them out. Being able to dance, and dance before my Jesus which had been a long time hearts desire of mine.
But you see even though I gave up on God, He didn't give up on me. I still don't understand why I wasn't healed, I really believe I was in His will, but apparently not because I'm still not healed. Anyways I eventually with much counseling have come to a place where I am no longer angry with God, and He has brought me so far. But in my heart I've still been trying to avoid the issue of the healing, because I don't want to be angry like that again, it was miserable I was miserable. So anyways I just have been trying to focus on other parts of my life, like rebuilding my relationship with the Lord, but this time not based on what I thought it should be, or what I should do, but simply being real, real with Him, real in my walk, in my actions, in my everyday life. My Care Pastor helped me to see that it's ok to feel what I feel, what ever that emotion may be, that it's ok to allow myself to feel it, and to not stuff if down deep inside of me. But then the Lord brought up the subject of a promise from the Lord through Pastor Saturday night, it made me feel a little weird, because I've been trying not to focus on the healing thing. But I knew as I know now that the promise of physical healing is still there. So I opened my heart to the Lord and listen to Him speak. And I heard Him say that I need to learn to trust Him. So Lord I ask You to help me to learn to trust You, it is my heart's desire.
Wednesday 3-18-09 am
I have been meaning to get in here and type in this journal for a couple of days now. God has been showing me a lot of things this week, through Cleansing Streams, through His Word, through everyday life. I am not even sure where to begin since it's been spread out over a couple of days. I guess I will start with Cleansing Streams. I went Sunday with my now friend, Care Pastor, and adopted mom to another church for the seminar. And if was really good. I knew from experience that when we prayed the prayer asking the Lord to show us when we are walking in the flesh, that He would. I have to say, the Lords been showing me ever since. It is important to me to really apply this round of Cleansing Streams, to dive in with all that I am. I finished the "Walk in the Spirit" part of the workbook yesterday, and I have four chapters of the book "the bait of Satan" read already. These are lifetime tools, that I can use for my entire Christian walk.
Saturday night at church Pastor's message was "Have you ever received a promise from the Lord?" Immediately I knew God wasn't going to let me push the issue of what happened in October under the rug. . But I still really believed in my heart of hearts that October 17th was to be my day of healing, I have never gone out on a limb like this before, but I was so certain God was going to heal me. I began to let myself dream of all the things that my husband and I would be able to do together, going for walks, riding a real bike for the first time in my life. Being able to wear any shoes I wanted because I wouldn't have to worry about me wearing them out. Being able to dance, and dance before my Jesus which had been a long time hearts desire of mine.
But you see even though I gave up on God, He didn't give up on me. I still don't understand why I wasn't healed, I really believe I was in His will, but apparently not because I'm still not healed. Anyways I eventually with much counseling have come to a place where I am no longer angry with God, and He has brought me so far. But in my heart I've still been trying to avoid the issue of the healing, because I don't want to be angry like that again, it was miserable I was miserable. So anyways I just have been trying to focus on other parts of my life, like rebuilding my relationship with the Lord, but this time not based on what I thought it should be, or what I should do, but simply being real, real with Him, real in my walk, in my actions, in my everyday life. My Care Pastor helped me to see that it's ok to feel what I feel, what ever that emotion may be, that it's ok to allow myself to feel it, and to not stuff if down deep inside of me. But then the Lord brought up the subject of a promise from the Lord through Pastor Saturday night, it made me feel a little weird, because I've been trying not to focus on the healing thing. But I knew as I know now that the promise of physical healing is still there. So I opened my heart to the Lord and listen to Him speak. And I heard Him say that I need to learn to trust Him. So Lord I ask You to help me to learn to trust You, it is my heart's desire.
Journey, Part 19
Journal
Wednesday March 11,2009
Today I had another meeting with my Care Pastor, and it was totally amazing. We were talking about the healing thing, and how far I've come since October 17th. The Lord showed her that I was a cracked pot and He had to smash the pot, that I had been broken and poured out. I told her that I believed that, then as we were talking the Lord showed me a grey lump of clay on an old fashioned potters wheel. I instantly knew that was me, and all that time that I had felt stuck, and that I couldn't move, was because at the time I was a lump of unformed clay. He also showed me that through the music I've been listening too that even though I thought it was the only way I could have some lifeline to Him, it was Him so lovingly reaching out to me when I was simply to emotionally weak to reach out to Him. He also showed me that me listening to the worship music is getting a need met for me, and that I'm to add that back into my life because that is how we spend such special time together. Another thing He showed me as I was talking to my Care Pastor of how I don't understand why some of the stuff that happened to me, was, I saw myself in a dress kneeling down, and I was crying with tears running down my face, and I was scrambling trying to pick up these pieces of broken clay and put it back together, trying to fix what was broken in me, so I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on, but the problem was that I couldn't put the pieces together again, then the Lord showed me, as I was telling her this was the reason for this was because He had taken a hammer and shattered the cracked pot, and when He had shattered it it was but grey powdered dust. You can't put dust back together, and that was why even though I had thought I was putting shards of broken pottery it was in reality dust, and that is why I was so frustrated. So as She and I were both in tears over that, the Lord then showed us both the pile of grey dust that was formally me, then we saw dust blowing away, and then I knew that the old me was passing away, and the lump of clay of the potters wheel, was going to be made into a new vessel. It was a totally amazing and totally beautiful.
Wednesday March 11,2009
Today I had another meeting with my Care Pastor, and it was totally amazing. We were talking about the healing thing, and how far I've come since October 17th. The Lord showed her that I was a cracked pot and He had to smash the pot, that I had been broken and poured out. I told her that I believed that, then as we were talking the Lord showed me a grey lump of clay on an old fashioned potters wheel. I instantly knew that was me, and all that time that I had felt stuck, and that I couldn't move, was because at the time I was a lump of unformed clay. He also showed me that through the music I've been listening too that even though I thought it was the only way I could have some lifeline to Him, it was Him so lovingly reaching out to me when I was simply to emotionally weak to reach out to Him. He also showed me that me listening to the worship music is getting a need met for me, and that I'm to add that back into my life because that is how we spend such special time together. Another thing He showed me as I was talking to my Care Pastor of how I don't understand why some of the stuff that happened to me, was, I saw myself in a dress kneeling down, and I was crying with tears running down my face, and I was scrambling trying to pick up these pieces of broken clay and put it back together, trying to fix what was broken in me, so I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on, but the problem was that I couldn't put the pieces together again, then the Lord showed me, as I was telling her this was the reason for this was because He had taken a hammer and shattered the cracked pot, and when He had shattered it it was but grey powdered dust. You can't put dust back together, and that was why even though I had thought I was putting shards of broken pottery it was in reality dust, and that is why I was so frustrated. So as She and I were both in tears over that, the Lord then showed us both the pile of grey dust that was formally me, then we saw dust blowing away, and then I knew that the old me was passing away, and the lump of clay of the potters wheel, was going to be made into a new vessel. It was a totally amazing and totally beautiful.
Journey, Part 18
Note: I have only put five of my personal journal entries in this. The ones I felt most pertain to this blog. For the sake of privacy, and the protection of people I care about no names are used except those used in scriptures.
Journal
Wednesday March 4, 2009
Today I went and had my weekly meeting with my Care Pastor. It was amazing! We were sitting there just talking about how things have been going, and I was sharing with her stuff about my brother in-law and his adjusting to living here. And then we moved on to how I always think about end times, my fears, and my doubts of my salvation, and how I didn't feel prepared. And that I had great fear, of all that. And in that came out a movie I saw when I was little of the end times, and all the scary stuff that was in the opening scene. And as I was telling her this it was a total God moment. And it was like neon lights going off for her that this was a stronghold that had driven me my entire Christian life. We then were led by the Lord to do the repent, renounce, break, and speak blessings that we learned from Cleansing Streams. So we prayed together, with her having me lead out, and her in agreement with me. So I just started praying, confessing, repenting, breaking and blessing, with her agreeing with me. The Lord then led me to confess, repent, breaking, and blessing in the area of believing the lies of the enemy, in regards to condemnation. After that She felt we were supposed to do Communion, so we did. From there we just talked, and cried, and I felt so humbled, and yet at one point we started laughing and couldn't stop. God is so good, and He is so faithful. I stand amazed. During our prayer time I did feel the Lord tell me that I WILL STAND!!!!
Another thing that happened yesterday that was pretty amazing. I came home and as I was climbing the stairs I noticed my tree. It's coming to life, with little buds all over it, so I ran inside grabbed the camera, and took a picture of it. I believe the Lord showed me in the winter that tree is like me, I took a picture of it all stripped and barren, now I have one of it budding. I so love My God.
Journal
Wednesday March 4, 2009
Today I went and had my weekly meeting with my Care Pastor. It was amazing! We were sitting there just talking about how things have been going, and I was sharing with her stuff about my brother in-law and his adjusting to living here. And then we moved on to how I always think about end times, my fears, and my doubts of my salvation, and how I didn't feel prepared. And that I had great fear, of all that. And in that came out a movie I saw when I was little of the end times, and all the scary stuff that was in the opening scene. And as I was telling her this it was a total God moment. And it was like neon lights going off for her that this was a stronghold that had driven me my entire Christian life. We then were led by the Lord to do the repent, renounce, break, and speak blessings that we learned from Cleansing Streams. So we prayed together, with her having me lead out, and her in agreement with me. So I just started praying, confessing, repenting, breaking and blessing, with her agreeing with me. The Lord then led me to confess, repent, breaking, and blessing in the area of believing the lies of the enemy, in regards to condemnation. After that She felt we were supposed to do Communion, so we did. From there we just talked, and cried, and I felt so humbled, and yet at one point we started laughing and couldn't stop. God is so good, and He is so faithful. I stand amazed. During our prayer time I did feel the Lord tell me that I WILL STAND!!!!
Another thing that happened yesterday that was pretty amazing. I came home and as I was climbing the stairs I noticed my tree. It's coming to life, with little buds all over it, so I ran inside grabbed the camera, and took a picture of it. I believe the Lord showed me in the winter that tree is like me, I took a picture of it all stripped and barren, now I have one of it budding. I so love My God.
Journey, Part 17
I became totally lost, I lost my faith in God. I was devastated and didn't understand why this had happened to me. I didn't understand why God had me go through this. I struggled each day with my emotions, I was completely falling apart, but was trying to maintain some since of control of my life. I stopped going to church, and stopped talking to pretty much everyone from the church. Except for two people. One of them was another friend I had, from the church who didn't know anything of what was going on, and the other was my Care Pastor. I became extremely angry, and angry at God, He had done this to me I thought. I hadn't even asked the Lord to heal me, He is the one who had approached me, about healing me fourteen years earlier, here I had been faithful in believing His word, and believing that He always keeps His word. I had believed in His promise. I stopped believing in Him, and His promise, In His word. I couldn't handle listening to the worship and praise music I had always found such peace in. The Christian piano music that I had learned to play for six months before held no appeal for me any longer. I put all my Bibles away in the top of my closet, and refused to even look at them. I began swearing and I became depressed, and began to believe that God had set me up. He had allowed me to get my hopes up and to dream things I had always hoped for in my heart of hearts.
For whatever reason I felt I could reach out to my Care Pastor, I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family about this, as I felt very vulnerable and if they had said I told you so it would have sent me over the edge. I would call her and vent like crazy, and she just listened to me. She encourage me that God had not set me up, but I didn't believe her. My husband was wise, and just let me talk, and didn't try to fix me, which I am so thankful to him for. I didn't want to be fixed, I just wanted to be heard.
I continued to call my Care Pastor, once a week, and she would tell me that it was ok to feel the way I felt, that God had given me my emotions, and I began meeting with her on a weekly basis. Slowly over time, I forgave God, and realized that He hadn't set me up. It was also during this time that I discovered Celtic music in a new way. I would spend hours listening to it. I was moved deeply in my heart every time I listened to it. At Christmas time my friend whom I had prayed with all summer, gave me a beautiful little hand crafted sachet, that had little purple gemstones in it and four scriptures rolled up like little scrolls, The scriptures spoke of how much the Lord loves me, and how beautiful I am to Him. I was spending a lot of time in my car traveling so I hung it up from the rear view mirror to remind me. I would play the Celtic music while driving and would often reach out and touch the little lace sachet and for me that was me reaching out to touch my Jesus. It was all I could do at the time. It became very precious to me. I felt like it was the only lifeline I had to the Lord, the only way I felt any connection to Him at the time.
One day when I was feeling particularly emotional and tearful, my Care Pastor came over to my house. Since my stepson was here at the house we went into my prayer room so we could talk. She had been telling me that tears could heal, but I just didn't know why I was falling apart, and I just wanted it to stop. I started crying and layed my head on her lap and cried for an hour. No words were said, except the ones that she was praying over me. She just let me cry and cry. All the pain of not being healed pouring out with each tear that I shed. After I had stopped crying she made me promise I would go to the doctor to get checked out in order to rule out any medical reasons for my emotional state besides the healing thing.
I finally went to the doctor, and she diagnosed me with going through premenopause and increased my estrogen as I had been on it for years due to a full hysterectomy I had when I was in my mid twenties. This greatly improved my emotional state, where I didn't feel like I was going out of my mind. I still had some deep wounds from the whole healing thing, but over time I've been able to slowly heal. I still don't understand about the healing thing and why it didn't happen and why I had to go through what I went through and I may never understand on this side of heaven. But I do know that my Jesus loves me, and that He heals the broken-hearted. I finally came to a place of healing where I was no longer angry at God, and came to a place where I forgave Him. I no longer feel that He set me up. And although I don't understand His ways. I know He has a plan for my life. I also was no longer satisfied with the status quo of Christianity. I no longer wanted to go through the motions. I spent most of my Christian walk with the Lord doing that. I wanted a very REAL relationship with Him. I wanted to truly know my Lord, not just go through the motions with Him. From this point I have included some of my journal entries during the point where I started to heal from my broken heart.---Believer
For whatever reason I felt I could reach out to my Care Pastor, I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family about this, as I felt very vulnerable and if they had said I told you so it would have sent me over the edge. I would call her and vent like crazy, and she just listened to me. She encourage me that God had not set me up, but I didn't believe her. My husband was wise, and just let me talk, and didn't try to fix me, which I am so thankful to him for. I didn't want to be fixed, I just wanted to be heard.
I continued to call my Care Pastor, once a week, and she would tell me that it was ok to feel the way I felt, that God had given me my emotions, and I began meeting with her on a weekly basis. Slowly over time, I forgave God, and realized that He hadn't set me up. It was also during this time that I discovered Celtic music in a new way. I would spend hours listening to it. I was moved deeply in my heart every time I listened to it. At Christmas time my friend whom I had prayed with all summer, gave me a beautiful little hand crafted sachet, that had little purple gemstones in it and four scriptures rolled up like little scrolls, The scriptures spoke of how much the Lord loves me, and how beautiful I am to Him. I was spending a lot of time in my car traveling so I hung it up from the rear view mirror to remind me. I would play the Celtic music while driving and would often reach out and touch the little lace sachet and for me that was me reaching out to touch my Jesus. It was all I could do at the time. It became very precious to me. I felt like it was the only lifeline I had to the Lord, the only way I felt any connection to Him at the time.
One day when I was feeling particularly emotional and tearful, my Care Pastor came over to my house. Since my stepson was here at the house we went into my prayer room so we could talk. She had been telling me that tears could heal, but I just didn't know why I was falling apart, and I just wanted it to stop. I started crying and layed my head on her lap and cried for an hour. No words were said, except the ones that she was praying over me. She just let me cry and cry. All the pain of not being healed pouring out with each tear that I shed. After I had stopped crying she made me promise I would go to the doctor to get checked out in order to rule out any medical reasons for my emotional state besides the healing thing.
I finally went to the doctor, and she diagnosed me with going through premenopause and increased my estrogen as I had been on it for years due to a full hysterectomy I had when I was in my mid twenties. This greatly improved my emotional state, where I didn't feel like I was going out of my mind. I still had some deep wounds from the whole healing thing, but over time I've been able to slowly heal. I still don't understand about the healing thing and why it didn't happen and why I had to go through what I went through and I may never understand on this side of heaven. But I do know that my Jesus loves me, and that He heals the broken-hearted. I finally came to a place of healing where I was no longer angry at God, and came to a place where I forgave Him. I no longer feel that He set me up. And although I don't understand His ways. I know He has a plan for my life. I also was no longer satisfied with the status quo of Christianity. I no longer wanted to go through the motions. I spent most of my Christian walk with the Lord doing that. I wanted a very REAL relationship with Him. I wanted to truly know my Lord, not just go through the motions with Him. From this point I have included some of my journal entries during the point where I started to heal from my broken heart.---Believer
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